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When a naive bingo caller discovers ability to predict numbers, she must escape lottery boss’ wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around.
"When a naive bingo caller discovers ability to predict numbers, she must escape lottery boss? wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around." (22 words) Inciting incident: "discovers ability to predict numbers" ----> I think this needs to be clarified in the logline. Make sure to state?who hasRead more
“When a naive bingo caller discovers ability to predict numbers, she must escape lottery boss? wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around.” (22 words)
Inciting incident: “discovers ability to predict numbers” —-> I think this needs to be clarified in the logline. Make sure to state?who has the ability in the logline. But I think the real problem may be that this isn’t the real inciting incident. The inciting incident should be a single event which causes the protagonist to pursue her goal.
For example, when Luke Skywalker’s family is killed by the Empire.? —> After this there’s a part where he tells Ben Kenobi: “I want to come with you to Alderaan. There’s nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.”
Where’s that moment in your story? The moment she realizes that the thing that’s holding her back is no longer an excuse?
Protagonist: “a naive bingo caller” —-> Okay.
Goal: “must escape lottery boss? wrath while trying to help disadvantaged around.” —-> This reads as two goals,? one of which is passive(escape wrath), and the other is vague and nonspecific, and not visual. Both of these are also disconnected from the inciting incident, meaning that they lack a causal relationship. How does discovering she has a power lead to her being targeted?
Example: Luke Skywalker must help the Rebellion destroy the Death Star.
Antagonist: “lottery boss” —-> I assume you mean some sort of criminal boss. But ‘lottery boss’ isn’t a clear, generic description.
I suggest reading through other people’s loglines and the feedback they receive to better understand what we’re looking for when we review.
See lessWhen a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family’s deadly urge to get rich quick.
"When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick." I agree with mikepedley85's review. Here's a breakdown from my understanding: Inciting incident: "discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto wiRead more
“When a humble bingo floor clerk discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers, she must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick.”
I agree with mikepedley85’s review. Here’s a breakdown from my understanding:
Inciting incident: “discovers ability to predict Powerball lotto winning numbers” —-> Agree with mikepedley85’s suggestion.
Protagonist: “a humble bingo floor clerk” —-> Being a bingo floor clerk may have significance in the story, but it doesn’t seem necessary in the logline. Is there a shorter way to include this?? You mentioned that you intend ‘humble’ to mean poor, but I feel as though other than stating her financial status, it doesn’t tell us what kind of personality she has, and that can be used to hint at how her personality affects the story.
Goal: “he must fight her family?s deadly urge to get rich quick.” —-> This should be changed to a specific, visual description of an objective goal. Think of the climax. At that point, what will she be trying to accomplish?
Antagonist: From the logline, it reads as though it’s her family. But in your comment you mention an outside group who tries to kill her, since that part isn’t in the logline I can’t assess it.
I suggest considering these above elements for your revisions.
See lessWhen society devolves into chaos after the electric grid collapses, an immoral celebrity survivalist leads a group of defrauded fans to defend his remote compound from a ruthless gang of killers who are out to kill him and his family.
"An immoral star of a survival TV show must lead a group of fans to the safety of his private compound after the sudden collapse of society." (28 words) A breakdown of this new version: Inciting incident: "after the sudden collapse of society." ---> This doesn't describe a single, clear, visual eRead more
“An immoral star of a survival TV show must lead a group of fans to the safety of his private compound after the sudden collapse of society.” (28 words)
A breakdown of this new version:
Inciting incident: “after the sudden collapse of society.” —> This doesn’t describe a single, clear, visual event. A society doesn’t just collapse for no reason. And there needs to be a clear event which affects the protagonist and forces him — and only him — to pursue his objective goal.
Protagonist: “An immoral star of a survival TV show” —> Okay.
Goal: “must lead a group of fans to the safety of his private compound” —> Good. A clear, objective goal, because you added a specific destination.
Antagonist: Doesn’t seem to be a specific human character. Or if there is, it doesn’t seem necessary to include in the logline.
Here’s an example(me making it up, but using elements from your logline):?After his studio is ransacked, an immoral star of a survival TV show must lead a group of fans through the aftermath of a societal collapse to his secure private compound. (31 words)
I made up the inciting incident(“After his studio is ransacked”) but otherwise tried to keep it pretty close to your version. I think it would help to be more descriptive with the collapse of society(such as: an invasion or rebellion? Natural disaster?) .
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