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A Mexican immigrant kidnaps a newborn baby. During the cat-and-mouse chase, a racist detective, discovers the abduction isn’t what it seems.
"A Mexican immigrant kidnaps a newborn baby. During the cat-and-mouse chase, a racist detective, discovers the abduction isn?t what it seems." "A Mexican immigrant kidnaps a newborn baby." Seems to be the inciting incident. "During the cat-and-mouse chase, " Is not something that seems to be needed.Read more
“A Mexican immigrant kidnaps a newborn baby. During the cat-and-mouse chase, a racist detective, discovers the abduction isn?t what it seems.”
“A Mexican immigrant kidnaps a newborn baby.” Seems to be the inciting incident.
See less“During the cat-and-mouse chase, ” Is not something that seems to be needed.
“discovers the abduction isn?t what it seems.” A vague event in the story. I think I see what you’re trying to do. The racist cop realizes that the event they think is related to the character’s race has nothing to do with race but whatever other factor. But it still doesn’t tell the logline reader clear information.
In fact, it seems more like a late reveal.
What is the goal of the protagonist?
A man resolved to move forward, and a woman determined to hide away, fall in love; unfortunately, the persecution he faces, and the scars she bears, threaten their future together.
It seems you've posted multiple loglines and most of them share similar problems.?I suggest reading through the formula tab at the top of the page, and the feedback other members receive to better understand the elements and format of a logline. Both of the versions posted here share the same probleRead more
It seems you’ve posted multiple loglines and most of them share similar problems.?I suggest reading through the formula tab at the top of the page, and the feedback other members receive to better understand the elements and format of a logline.
Both of the versions posted here share the same problems. They don’t have the elements a logline needs to contain aside from the protagonist.
For: “A man resolved to move forward, and a woman determined to hide away, fall in love; unfortunately, the persecution he faces, and the scars she bears, threaten their future together.” (30 words)
This logline is too vague. What persecution? Simply adding an adjective of whatever trait he’s persecuted for should fix that.
Specify the protagonist. Is the man, or the woman, or both?
What’s the inciting incident? It seems like it could be that they fall in love.
What goal does the protagonist pursue? Think of the climax of the story. What will have been accomplished at that point?
“A military veteran returns home after his father passes away, taking over his lawn care business and tackling racism, while dealing with his own grief and forming a tentative romance with a woman who has escaped an abusive relationship and seeks surgery to fix the scars on her damaged body.” (50 words)
This version suffers from the same problems, aside from the fact that it clearly specifies the man as the protagonist. It is also too long. Shoot for a version under 30 words.
See lessA mysterious briefcase goes from hand to hand. Although everyone claims to be the owner, no one can open it. Until the day a commissioner forces the lock and discovers what’s inside …
I suggest reading through the formula tab at the top of the page, and the feedback other members receive to better understand the elements and format of a logline. On the logline: "A mysterious briefcase goes from hand to hand. Although everyone claims to be the owner, no one can open it. Until theRead more
I suggest reading through the formula tab at the top of the page, and the feedback other members receive to better understand the elements and format of a logline.
On the logline: “A mysterious briefcase goes from hand to hand. Although everyone claims to be the owner, no one can open it. Until the day a commissioner forces the lock and discovers what?s inside ?”(33 words)
Most of this is background. The first two sentences should be condensed into fewer words, or eliminated from the logline if the information is not necessary. The last sentence is what appears to be the inciting incident, and it also provides the protagonist. But it still leaves a question: commissioner of what?
See lessAlso, what becomes his/her goal because of this? The logline is labeled sci-fi, yet it describes nothing particularly sci-fi-y.