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After being threatened by an unknown adversary, a vampire warlord if forced to move against his rivals else it would mean certain death for him and his kin.
"In the novel"Is this an adaptation of a published work?"?However, from his point of view, he is not acting our of interest of building military might, but out of the belief that if his kin can?t unify themselves, then they would all be wiped out. "From my understanding, his plan is get all the otheRead more
“In the novel”
Is this an adaptation of a published work?
“?However, from his point of view, he is not acting our of interest of building military might, but out of the belief that if his kin can?t unify themselves, then they would all be wiped out. “
From my understanding, his plan is get all the other vampires to stop bickering or slacking off or what not, so they’ll be able to resist a common enemy. So then, if he’s intending to kill off the current leadership, is he planning on stepping up to the task? Unify his kind under himself?
Basically, what does unify describe? So it’s not to build an army, but just so they can defend themselves?
Right now, I think what you’re describing is — as Richiev mentioned earlier — too reactive and not proactive. The description in your comment sounds more like the point of “unify his kin” is to ‘survive’ more than ‘defeat’.
Anyway, to throw out an example:?After a legion of blessed champions massacres his army, a vampire warlord must usurp the vampire nobility to unite the vampire factions to defeat this new enemy. (27 words)
Because if you say ‘kin’, I don’t immediately think of?all vampires(or at least all of the ones in whatever area this is set in), which seems to be what you mean. I think of it more like a single clan or faction, which is fractured, and not multiple factions which are opposed and in their current state wouldn’t be able to defend against an external threat.?
See lessAfter being threatened by an unknown adversary, a vampire warlord if forced to move against his rivals else it would mean certain death for him and his kin.
"After a legion of blessed champions massacres his army, a vampire warlord must usurp the vampire counts and unite his kin to defeat this new enemy." (26 words)I suggest changing 'counts' to 'nobles'. While it is an accurate description, when I read the first version that used it I thought you may hRead more
“After a legion of blessed champions massacres his army, a vampire warlord must usurp the vampire counts and unite his kin to defeat this new enemy.” (26 words)
I suggest changing ‘counts’ to ‘nobles’. While it is an accurate description, when I read the first version that used it I thought you may have meant ‘courts’.
I think as is, “usurp the vampire counts” is too disconnected from “unite his kin”. What is the ultimate plan of action? I assume it’s to raise a fighting force. So how does usurping the vampire counts lead to the unification of his kin?
To point back to my example, I said “a vampire warlord must usurp the vampire counts in order to take control of their armies”.
In my version, usurping the vampire counts is what leads to him gaining his fighting force – he takes control of their armies, that’s the purpose of the action. It’s a single plan of attack, both actions to accomplish his goal: defeat the enemy.
So, my advice is to connect the two actions, or delete one from the logline.
See lessA Facebook friend request, changes the life of a man undergoing mid life crisis, as he discovers, his former best friend, is a hitman.
"But the inciting incident is the Facebook request. It is this request that will change the rest of the remaining life of the protagonist." Okay. The logline fails to describe it as an inciting incident which?forces the protagonist to pursue his goal. The logline brings up the question of why a hitRead more
“But the inciting incident is the Facebook request. It is this request that will change the rest of the remaining life of the protagonist.”
Okay. The logline fails to describe it as an inciting incident which?forces the protagonist to pursue his goal.
See lessThe logline brings up the question of why a hit man would have that information on his Facebook page. The logline also describes no goal.
I like Richiev’s suggestion.
What is the main conflict of the story?