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A Facebook friend request, changes the life of a man undergoing mid life crisis, as he discovers, his former best friend, is a hitman.
"A Facebook friend request, changes the life of a man undergoing mid life crisis, as he discovers, his former best friend, is a hitman." This is not a logline. It seems more like a list of events which occur in a story. Please read the formula tab at the top of the page, and through other people's lRead more
“A Facebook friend request, changes the life of a man undergoing mid life crisis, as he discovers, his former best friend, is a hitman.”
This is not a logline. It seems more like a list of events which occur in a story. Please read the formula tab at the top of the page, and through other people’s loglines and especially the feedback they receive. It would also help if you attempt to review other people’s loglines yourself to better understand the structure.
For a revision, please consider these elements:
Inciting incident ? what is the single event which upturns the protagonist?s life and forces them to pursue their goal? (For example, in ?Star Wars? this would be when Luke Skywalker?s aunt and uncle are killed by Stormtroopers.)
Protagonist ? No need to include a name in the logline unless it is a historical character or pre-established character. Consider describing the character with a trait or condition, possibly something which implies a character flaw. (Example:? a stubborn politician).
Goal ? what?must?the main character accomplish, what does the inciting incident make the protagonist have to do? This drives the main conflict. (Example: In ?Star Wars?, Luke Skywalker must help the Rebellion destroy the Death Star.)
Keeping all of those components in mind, what is the hook of your story? What makes it unique or interesting? What aspect is going to get someone?s attention and make them what to read a script?
See lessIn a future where the average citizen is controlled by a master super-computer: when he accidentally steps into a time warp to 2019, a cyborg discovers murderous urges he never knew he had and goes on a killing spree.
"In a future where the average citizen is controlled by a master super-computer: when he accidentally steps into a time warp to 2019, a cyborg discovers murderous urges he never knew he had and goes on a killing spree." (39 words) Right off the bat an issue is the part before the colon. It's backgroRead more
“In a future where the average citizen is controlled by a master super-computer: when he accidentally steps into a time warp to 2019, a cyborg discovers murderous urges he never knew he had and goes on a killing spree.” (39 words)
Right off the bat an issue is the part before the colon. It’s background, and doesn’t seem particularly essential to reveal in a logline. If it’s what your hook is, then it should be incorporated into the rest of the logline better.
For the rest, I think you chose the wrong elements of the story to include. Again, being sent to 2019 seems more like background than an inciting incident. The inciting incident appears to be when he initially discovers his murderous urges.
The goal is undefined. There should be an object goal the protagonist pursues because of the inciting incident, one which can be described using visual language. (For example, “fight his urges” would not be a good goal.)
For a revision, please consider the following elements:
Protagonist: Clearly defined in this version. Consider using a personality descriptor, or otherwise a flaw which may affect him achieving his goal. (Ex: a stubborn politician.)
Inciting incident: Seems weak, and the logline may describe an event which is not the inciting incident.
Goal: Not defined in this version.? Should be directly formed because of inciting incident. It should be something the protagonist?must accomplish.
Antagonist: No antagonist identified in this version. How might you include an antagonist in the logline?
Hook: What makes this story unique? What can you put in the logline that will make someone want to read the script?
Here’s an example I’m making up, using elements from your logline:?After his cybernetic body kills someone, a cyborg displaced in 2019 must destroy the supercomputer prototype which controls all cybernetics to prevent himself from going on a massive killing spree. (30 words)
I hope this helps with your revision.
See lessWhen illness and havoc spread across England, Queen Elizabeth I must confront the Devil and save her kingdom.
I think Richiev's version still doesn't address the problem of why the?Queen of England must do anything. An inciting incident should be tailor-made for the protagonist. It is an event which?forces the character - and only the protagonist(s) to act. They must leave their 'Normal World', venture intoRead more
I think Richiev’s version still doesn’t address the problem of why the?Queen of England must do anything.
An inciting incident should be tailor-made for the protagonist. It is an event which?forces the character – and only the protagonist(s) to act. They must leave their ‘Normal World’, venture into the adventure which awaits.
The problem at present is that the Queen has people do things for her, especially anything dangerous. Even if she did decide to go face the Devil on her own, it’s quite likely that her guards wouldn’t allow her. If the inciting incident is a general ‘plague sweeping across country’, unless every single person who works for her has succumbed to the disease, there’s no reason for her to do this herself.
A way to fix this is to make the inciting incident something along the lines of the Devil appearing before her and telling her specifically that she must defeat him in order to save her country. Basically, the Devil takes her country hostage and she’s the?only one who can free it.
See lessOr, you could change the protagonist to a different person – perhaps a female warrior who works for the Queen who is tasked with facing the danger.