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When illness and havoc spread across England, Queen Elizabeth I must confront the Devil and save her kingdom.
I know I advise this a lot to members who haven't reviewed many loglines but have multiple posts: read through other people's loglines. Read the feedback they receive especially, because chances are that you'll receive similar feedback at some point. Read the formula tab at the top of the page. TakeRead more
I know I advise this a lot to members who haven’t reviewed many loglines but have multiple posts: read through other people’s loglines. Read the feedback they receive especially, because chances are that you’ll receive similar feedback at some point. Read the formula tab at the top of the page. Take the time to examine other members’ loglines and try to identify the problems. It will help you to understand logline components and will improve your own loglines. In addition, it’s also polite to return review other members’ loglines after they’ve taken the time to review yours.
Anyway: “When illness and havoc spread across England, Queen Elizabeth I must confront the Devil and save her kingdom.” (18 words)
Overall, the problem is that the inciting incident and goal aren’t connected enough, in other words, the inciting incident isn’t the event which would to lead to the pursuit of the goal.
The inciting incident should be a specific event which forces the protagonist to pursue her goal. “when illness and havoc spread” is not a specific event. Why didn’t she do something when it started? How does she know it’s the Devil?
Along with that, ‘confront’ is too vague. The description of a goal should clearly bring a visual image to the reader’s mind. Does she physically confront him? Have an argument? Why the Queen herself? Doesn’t she have an army, or knights or someone who can fight?
If it’s not a physical confrontation, then again, why her?
I hope this helps.
See lessAfter the corrupt Mayor and tyrannical business owner of a small village accidentially shoots a young Vampire during a hunting trip, the normally peaceful and hidden vampire family leaves the forrest to seek revenge for their dead kid.
I like Richiev's suggestion.I am one who includes fantasy elements in many of my stories, and like this logline, I often ignore or change pre-established traits of magical creatures as I see fit, so I don't think it's necessary that a vampire can?only be destroyed by the traditional methods, like RiRead more
I like Richiev’s suggestion.
I am one who includes fantasy elements in many of my stories, and like this logline, I often ignore or change pre-established traits of magical creatures as I see fit, so I don’t think it’s necessary that a vampire can?only be destroyed by the traditional methods, like Richiev mentioned. However, if a vampire, even a young one, can be killed by a stray bullet, then what’s the point of it being a vampire? In a story of mine, a hailstorm of bullets might rip a vampire’s body apart and effectively destroy it, ignoring the established ‘rules’, but an accidental bullet? That’s hardly a supernatural, superhuman creature.
To that point, why does it need to be accidental? What if the two human characters find this strange vampiric child and decide to destroy it because of fear? Burn it, decapitate it, expose it to sunlight. I think intentional would work better.
See lessA young couple doesn’t attach much importance to their failing relationship until a gang commits a violent takeover of America and it parts them completely!
"A young couple doesn?t attach much importance to their failing relationship until a gang commits a violent takeover of America and it parts them completely!" This isn't really a logline. It sounds like setup and then an inciting incident. Since the couple is separated, it would be better to pick onRead more
“A young couple doesn?t attach much importance to their failing relationship until a gang commits a violent takeover of America and it parts them completely!”
This isn’t really a logline. It sounds like setup and then an inciting incident. Since the couple is separated, it would be better to pick one to be the main protagonist. As a result of them being split up, what becomes the protagonist’s goal? The version posted in the comment also suffers from the same problem.
In your logline the background is that America is not a gang-ruled country. The specific inciting incident seems to be this couple’s separation.
Here’s an example, that I’m partly making up:?After her husband is taken, a rookie cop must trek through a gang-controlled America to rescue him. (17 words)
It’s short and simple, but I’ve included a goal which is caused by the inciting incident, as a result of her husband getting taken, she?must go through the territory of gangsters to set him free.
I hope this helps.
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