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After the death of her father, a timorous young woman struggles to put forth the effort to attend the college of her dreams due to her fathers wish for her to join the military while being threatened by the expiration date of her scholarship.
"After the death of her father, a timorous young woman struggles to put forth the effort to attend the college of her dreams due to her fathers wish for her to join the military while being threatened by the expiration date of her scholarship." (44 words) I agree with the assessments of Nir ShelterRead more
“After the death of her father, a timorous young woman struggles to put forth the effort to attend the college of her dreams due to her fathers wish for her to join the military while being threatened by the expiration date of her scholarship.” (44 words)
I agree with the assessments of Nir Shelter and mikepedley85 in that right now you’re only focusing on the internal aspects of the character. Many films feature characters with inner conflict, but what a logline should convey to the reader is the external(or at least visual – meaning you could certainly make a film take place inside a character’s head as long as it represented visually, like “Inside Out”(2015)) conflict.
Like Nir Shelter, I find??? I really want it to be about the consequences of her decision which is to go to college and the guilt she feels??. to be a problematic approach. But the problem I see with the logline is that doesn’t describe a clear goal, it also doesn’t offer an endpoint for the story.
In addition to what I’ve said before, the logline makes me say: “So what?”
“…struggles to put forth the effort…” Does not convey a visual action. Films, and by extension loglines, are about visual events and actions taking place. Not only that, why does her father’s wish matter? It’s her life. She’s the one who has to live it, she has to make decisions for herself. The film “Ladybird” (2017) deals with a similar matter. The main character has a certain dream school but her mother-the one paying for it-can’t afford it so she wants her daughter to go to a less expensive school. This differs because the main character is restricted by the financial situation, which gives her parents more input than if she were paying for her own schooling. In other words, this setups a situation for conflict.
I disagree with Nir Shelter that turning this into a novel would fix the issue. I think the real issue is that there isn’t an effective, compelling conflict created by the situation your logline describes.
I suggest thinking over your concept and coming up with a clear goal that creates conflict. Some things to think about for a revision:
Hook – what about this story will make someone want to read the script?
Inciting incident – How does this event affect the protagonist, and force them to commit to a goal?
Goal – What?must the protagonist accomplish? Use words that describe visual scenarios. (Example: Luke Skywalker must help the Rebellion destroy the Death Star)
Protagonist – what drives this character? How exactly does the inciting incident affect them and why?
Antagonist – Why does this character oppose the main character? What is their goal? (An exercise I use is to write a logline from the perspective my story’s antagonist).? I’ve included some video links which talk about character in film.
I recommend watching “Ladybird”, “Edge of Seventeen” and other coming-of-age films and examining them to see how they set up conflict, what that conflict is, and why it matters to the characters, and how the filmmakers make it matter to the audience.
See lessPart of the municipal park was deforested. The wild cat Mitzi, remaining orphaned with her brothers, has to leave her home destroyed by wood cutters. She reaches the Big Park Reservation (Rodnei Mountains National Park), where she finds shelter in the abandoned cottage of the forester. It’s Christmas Eve and the inhabitants of the Big Park are preparing for the celebration. Mitzi and her brothers are having trouble even here, being disturbed by the bad guys: Kit-Bandit and Max-Mask. They dress up in wolves in order to scare them away from the reservation. Their true identity is discovered by the wild cat Stripy and his friends. The scheme is foiled and to Mitzi and her brothers are offered a better life, proof that their guardian angel has not left them in trouble…
Hi Haiduc Andrei, For future reference, it would be better if you would post an attempt at a logline, even if you add more information in a comment to help the other members in the discussion. Looking through your previous posts it seems like you've posted logline attempts rather than a synopsis inRead more
Hi Haiduc Andrei,
For future reference, it would be better if you would post an attempt at a logline, even if you add more information in a comment to help the other members in the discussion. Looking through your previous posts it seems like you’ve posted logline attempts rather than a synopsis in the past.
Looking through what you’ve posted, it looks like the inciting incident is described as “has to leave her home destroyed by wood cutters.” The protagonist seems to be the Mitzi character. In order to form a logline, it would help to have a character trait. “Orphan” may describe her, but it doesn’t clue in the reader of the logline to the character’s personality.
Another problem is that I am unable to identify a clear goal for the protagonist in the synopsis you’ve posted. While the logline says, “The scheme is foiled and to Mitzi and her brothers are offered a better life” that doesn’t seem to be the goal because it seems like either a different character or an outside force is what causes this to happen. What is the main conflict in this story?
For a revision, please post a logline attempt which includes these parts:
Inciting incident – what is the single event which upturns the protagonist’s life and forces them to pursue their goal? (For example, in “Star Wars” this would be when Luke Skywalker’s aunt and uncle are killed by Stormtroopers.)
Protagonist – No need to include a name in the logline unless it is a historical character or pre-established character. Like I mentioned before describe the character with a trait or condition, possibly something which implies a character flaw. (Example:? a stubborn politician).
Goal – what?must?the main character accomplish, what does the inciting incident make the protagonist have to do? This drives the main conflict. (Example: In “Star Wars”, Luke Skywalker must help the Rebellion destroy the Death Star.)
Keeping all of those components in mind, what is the hook of your story? What makes it unique or interesting? What aspect is going to get someone’s attention and make them what to read a script?
Normally I would post a suggestion for a logline, but as I mentioned before I cannot identify a clear goal in your post which makes it difficult. I suggest reading through other loglines and attempting to review them yourself to help you better understand a logline’s parts. Also, review the ‘Our Formula’ tab at the top of the page.
See lessWhen her plants succumb to a disease, a mute girl, haunted by visions, must find resistant seeds in a violent post-apocalyptic world.
It sounds like the concept has more sci-fi elements than either version of the logline describe. I think Foxtrot is right that the logline attempts to juggle too many parts. To me the most important parts are that the world is post-apocalyptic because that is what leads her to have to grow and findRead more
It sounds like the concept has more sci-fi elements than either version of the logline describe. I think Foxtrot is right that the logline attempts to juggle too many parts.
To me the most important parts are that the world is post-apocalyptic because that is what leads her to have to grow and find her own crops. Being mute doesn’t seem to add to the logline without the inclusion of her being forced to interact with other people and that being a hindrance.
“As the vegetation around her dies, a mute girl searches for resistant seeds but becomes a slave in what is left of modern society.”
The problem with this version is that it second half describes what may be a complication in the script. But it isn’t the goal, and not the inciting incident.
After a disease kills the majority of her crops, a mute survivor must search in a post-apocalyptic world for resistant seeds while avoiding the remnants of the powerful food corporation which unleashed the disease. (34)
I suggest finding a way to incorporate what actual apocalyptic event occurred. A natural disaster, nuclear destruction, etc. Perhaps including the specific event will make it easier to tie all of the elements of the logline together.
I hope this helps.
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