Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
After being threatened by an unknown adversary, a vampire warlord if forced to move against his rivals else it would mean certain death for him and his kin.
"how does giving the director all the details up front cause or encourage them to turn the page or move on to the summary?"A logline normally shouldn't spoil a story. A logline is used to sell the idea of a script to someone in the film industry - it should give them a pretty clear picture of what tRead more
“how does giving the director all the details up front cause or encourage them to turn the page or move on to the summary?”
A logline normally shouldn’t spoil a story. A logline is used to sell the idea of a script to someone in the film industry – it should give them a pretty clear picture of what the story is about. You certainly can’t fit all of the details of a story in a 30-word sentence, but is should show them that all of the elements of a story is there and give them a reason to invest their time in reading a script, at the least. A general rule is: a logline reader having to ask for clarification is not great.
Basically: The script itself is what should encourage a producer to turn the page. The logline is what you use to get to them to read the script.
“After facing near defeat at the hands of an unknown adversary, a vampire warlord moves against the vampire counts in an effort to unite his kin against this mysterious enemy, or else their downfall would be inescapable.”(37 words)
I do think this is better. I also think it still raises questions needed for clarification.
Such as:
I’m confused as to how exactly “moves against the vampire counts” leads to uniting his kin. Loglines should avoid descriptions which require in-universe context to understand. It seems like he’s trying to raise an army, or at least some sort of fighting force.
The inciting incident is okay. I suggest you changing it to be more specific, and that could help in the logline.
An example(I’m using elements from your logline, but making up some as well):?After a masked vampire hunter massacres his army, a vampire warlord must usurp the vampire counts in order to take control of their armies and defeat the hunter. (28 words).
Describing a specific inciting incident can be used to implicitly set up stakes. The goal is clearly stated (“defeat the hunter”). Describing the adversary as “masked vampire hunter” sets up that the character is unidentified, and that the character is a threat to vampires. It also allows me to use one word for further references(“hunter”).
Again, I mentioned “moves against the vampire counts” is actually a bit too vague. “usurp the vampire counts” to take control their armies describes a clear action.
Like I said before, I made up the logline but incorporated elements from yours, so it’s very unlikely that I’ve described your actual idea, but it is an example for you to examine.
See lessIf you think it’s necessary, give further explanation of the elements that? aren’t clear to someone familiar with the story, and it may help us to be able to include those elements in our examples, if they are needed.
After being threatened by an unknown adversary, a vampire warlord if forced to move against his rivals else it would mean certain death for him and his kin.
In response to previous thread: "What hooks one person might not hook another." Consider who your target audience is. What will get them interested? That's what a producer will be thinking about. It's just something to consider about your story. "The Protagonists action in saving the woman?s life isRead more
In response to previous thread:
“What hooks one person might not hook another.”
Consider who your target audience is. What will get them interested? That’s what a producer will be thinking about. It’s just something to consider about your story.
“The Protagonists action in saving the woman?s life is what sets everything in motion.”
What happens after this, because of saving this woman? Or before? That may really be the inciting incident.
“?I don?t believe I am at a point of understanding this to really be a reliable source of advise on these.”
No one gives perfect advice. Being able to identify problems with other people’s loglines immensely helps with understanding the structure to be able to apply to your own. I suggest looking through other reviewers’ feedback on various loglines. What do they look for? Focus on the elements of a logline, and look for them in other people’s.
On the logline: “After being threatened by an unknown adversary, a vampire warlord if forced to move against his rivals else it would mean certain death for him and his kin.”
I think this logline is too vague. For one thing, if the adversary is unknown, then why does the vampire warlord consider them a threat? “forced to move against” is also too vague. Sure, it means something, but it’s ambiguous. Is he making a move to take territory? Resources? Is the protagonist trying to kill them all? What specific objective goal must he accomplish? And how does that prevent the death of his kin?
See lessWhen a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for, Aldrin must either overcome their differences or the hopes and dreams of his people will die with him.
"When a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for, Aldrin must either overcome their differences or the hopes and dreams of his people will die with him.""When a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for," is not an inciting incident. An inciting incidRead more
“When a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for, Aldrin must either overcome their differences or the hopes and dreams of his people will die with him.”
“When a mysterious woman threatens to break everything he has strived for,” is not an inciting incident. An inciting incident for a logline should describe a clear, singular event.?The second half of the logline also suffers from not describing a clear, visual representative of an objective goal.? Another note is that the logline is in the ‘fantasy’ category yet nothing in logline suggests the story is a fantasy tale.?
To help with your loglines, I suggest you read the formula tab at the top of the page, and also read other people’s loglines, and attempt to give your own reviews for them. Read through the feedback others receive to help you understand logline structure, and because you will likely receive similar feedback.
To emphasize that last point, I will include some of my feedback from a previous review – For a revision, please consider these elements:
Inciting incident ? what is the single event which upturns the protagonist?s life and forces them to pursue their goal? (For example, in ?Star Wars? this would be when Luke Skywalker?s aunt and uncle are killed by Stormtroopers.)
Protagonist ? No need to include a name in the logline unless it is a historical character or pre-established character. Consider describing the character with a trait or condition, possibly something which implies a character flaw. (Example:? a stubborn politician).
Goal ? what?must?the main character accomplish, what does the inciting incident make the protagonist have to do? This drives the main conflict. (Example: In ?Star Wars?, Luke Skywalker must help the Rebellion destroy the Death Star.)
Keeping all of those components in mind, what is the hook of your story? What makes it unique or interesting? What aspect is going to get someone?s attention and make them what to read a script?
I hope this helps.
See less