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When he meets an exchange literature student, a shy politics nerd joins the university theater group together with her to win her heart before she leaves one month later.
If he knows she's going to leave, then why try to win her heart? I'm not familiar with all the details of exchange students, but has she been there a while or has she just arrived? Just asking because it seems unlikely she would only stay for a month. But anyway, wouldn't a better goal be to get herRead more
If he knows she’s going to leave, then why try to win her heart? I’m not familiar with all the details of exchange students, but has she been there a while or has she just arrived? Just asking because it seems unlikely she would only stay for a month. But anyway, wouldn’t a better goal be to get her to stay, or something?
Anyway, to me, this logline?is missing a strong hook. How many stories, non-romance included, have some guy who has ?to ?put himself in a strange situation and then he learns the lesson and changes and so he can get the girl? What makes your unique?
See lessAll the King’s Women- When they become fed up with being one of the king’s many “fair maidens”, three wenches conspire to kill him, but when the queen dies and the king announces his plan to remarry, the three turn on each other as they vie to be the next lady of royalty.
Dpg I don't disagree with you. My only suggestion was to be a little more specific and that may help better convey the tone of the story. Like I said naming a particular contest isn't necessarily the way, but maybe something like: After?the queen dies, three wenches stop conspiring ?to kill the kingRead more
Dpg I don’t disagree with you. My only suggestion was to be a little more specific and that may help better convey the tone of the story. Like I said naming a particular contest isn’t necessarily the way, but maybe something like:
After?the queen dies, three wenches stop conspiring ?to kill the king and?concoct elaborate plans to win his favor and become the next queen. (25)
I think something like that is more likely to bring a more comedic, ridiculous?situation to mind.
Dhasitngs, is there a reason the protagonists are described as wenches rather than another position which would more obviously give the king reason to notice them?
See lessI hope this helps.
All the King’s Women- When they become fed up with being one of the king’s many “fair maidens”, three wenches conspire to kill him, but when the queen dies and the king announces his plan to remarry, the three turn on each other as they vie to be the next lady of royalty.
Well, sure, in your version you made them concubines, but in the post made by the author they are described as wenches. And the author hasn't posted a revision or responded directly to your feedback so maybe he/she worked out that detail and doesn't plan to change it. To be honest, when I first readRead more
Well, sure, in your version you made them concubines, but in the post made by the author they are described as wenches. And the author hasn’t posted a revision or responded directly to your feedback so maybe he/she worked out that detail and doesn’t plan to change it.
To be honest, when I first read the concept I thought it was a drama, comedy didn’t even cross my mind. That may be because of my personal taste but still the original logline, and even your version don’t paint a picture of comedy in my head.
I did list specific examples, and it doesn’t necessarily need that I do think some a little more specific than “compete” or “vie” could help. Nir Shelter’s version more so paints a comedic picture in my mind. “Sabotage each others’ attempts” sounds like the type of situation a?comedy would present.
Even your description, “They start out as co-conspirators who want to kill the king, then turn into rivals trying to kill each other (eventually) as they fight to win his favor.” doesn’t paint a comedic situation to me. Not to say I immediately see a super-dark movie, but I don’t exactly see them cracking jokes or pulling off silly hijinks.
See lessBut that does bring up the question of what kind of tone, what kind of comedy?
Just my thoughts.