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When a graffiti outbreak in a small town corresponds with recent child abductions in the county, a nerdy teenage boy has to crack the codes to save the children and become the town hero.
I do not think the inciting incident is weak. ?I would hold back the abduction of a family member (or a love interest) until late in the 2nd Act, a shocking complication that escalates the stakes, makes it more urgent for him to decrypt the graffiti, id and find the culprit.
I do not think the inciting incident is weak. ?I would hold back the abduction of a family member (or a love interest) until late in the 2nd Act, a shocking complication that escalates the stakes, makes it more urgent for him to decrypt the graffiti, id and find the culprit.
See lessWhen a graffiti outbreak in a small town corresponds with recent child abductions in the county, a nerdy teenage boy has to crack the codes to save the children and become the town hero.
How about something like: When a nerdy teen realizes cryptic graffiti contain clues to a series of child abductions he must struggle alone to crack the code and rescue the children because no one believes him. (32 words)Or maybe:A nerdy teen struggles alone to crack the code in cryptic graffiti becaRead more
How about something like:
When a nerdy teen realizes cryptic graffiti contain clues to a series of child abductions he must struggle alone to crack the code and rescue the children because no one believes him.
(32 words)
Or maybe:
A nerdy teen struggles alone to crack the code in cryptic graffiti because no one believes him that they are clues to a series of child abductions.
(27 words)
Although that may be too succinct.
Whatever, in drama ?”become a town hero” is never the direct, overt objective goal. ?It’s the reward that accrues from ?achieving the objective goal which in this case is cracking the code, ?apprehending the villain, saving the children.
?And ?the setting, a small town, while germane to the script is not necessary to include in ?the logline. ?Rather, I suggest that a more important factor is the ?initial obstacle to achieving his objective goal: ?no one believes him. ?He must endure the slings and arrows of derision and rejection by his peers and his elders. ?He must trust his intuition, his own intelligence in defiance of what everyone else thinks and says.
Anyway, I think this has the makings for an interesting movie that would appeal to the all-important youth market. ?Best wishes with your writing.
fwiw
See lessWhen a researcher creates a technology that can see anything from the last twenty four hours, a former FBI profiler must find him before the private assassins of a corrupt politician he exposed.
JasonF:You are correct that usually a logline should not contain spoilers.However, after reading your comments, it still seems to me that the scientist has more skin in the game. ?The profiler only has his reputation at stake. ?The scientist has his life. ?For the purpose of dramatic suspense in a tRead more
JasonF:
You are correct that usually a logline should not contain spoilers.
However, after reading your comments, it still seems to me that the scientist has more skin in the game. ?The profiler only has his reputation at stake. ?The scientist has his life. ?For the purpose of dramatic suspense in a thriller movie, life always trumps reputation.
And he still seems to be the more interesting character with the greater character arc. ?Describing him as “naive” means he has a lot of growing up to do in coming to terms with the consequences of his invention — and his own talent. ?In comparison, what’s the character arc of the FBI profiler other than getting to vindicate himself, prove to everyone else he was right all along.
?(Vindication is a worthy dramatic motivation, of course — but in this story, ?I get a sense of a stronger emotional catharsis and cognitive closure in the arc of the scientist. ?The story motif of the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” comes to mind.)
And the hook of your story is the technology — not the profiling. The ability to have an omniscient view of recent events?completely overwhelms the importance of the role of the FBI character. ?Which is not to say the FBI character cannot be a key player , but the technology is the sizzle, the strongest selling point of the concept. It’s the McGuffin, the thing everyone in the story wants.
(Minor quibble: he’s lecturing FBI trainees not “students”. And if he’s lecturing, he’s still actively employed by the FBI. He’s just been pulled from field work. )
fwiw
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