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An old, abusive slave owner switches body with his slave who gives him a taste of his own medicine
In spite of the work it needs (as pointed out by others), the logline has an interesting hook. Ergo, it has potential. A logline with a good hook can always be salvaged. (A logline without a good hook is, IMHO, DOA.)So what might be done to to improve this logline?Well, as pointed out it needs a creRead more
In spite of the work it needs (as pointed out by others), the logline has an interesting hook. Ergo, it has potential. A logline with a good hook can always be salvaged. (A logline without a good hook is, IMHO, DOA.)
So what might be done to to improve this logline?
Well, as pointed out it needs a credible inciting incident. It does not seem credible to me that a slave master would voluntarily switch roles with his slave. Why would he? On the other hand, it is credible that a slave would want to switch places with his slave owner.
But how could that happen? Well, there would need to be some magic hocus pocus (voodoo?) that the slave has a once in a lifetime opportunity to exploit. What could that be? I dunno. I suggest some spade work is in order; research superstitions and magical beliefs that prevailed in the slave culture.
Since the impetus for the inciting incident would entail some magic, the story doesn’t really qualify as an historical genre piece. More accurately, it should be tagged as a fantastical drama. Or a dark comedy if that’s how you want to play it.
Finally, I suggest incorporating some gender role issues into the master-slave relationship. That is make the slave a female. The form of abuse he inflicts on her could be sexual. But when roles are switched, and she becomes now the master and he the slave, it’s pay back time, a #MeToo reckoning.
Hope this helps.
See less“When an aspiring young architect loses his mother to cancer and his world is turned upside down, he discovers unlikely inspiration in the pages of a drug addict’s journal while on a dual mission to obtain his dream job and find a higher meaning to his personal tragedy.”
A logline is a short statement (ideally under 30 words) of the plot of a script.A plot entails a protagonist pursuing a singular -- not a dual -- objective goal. An objective goal is a goal that is external to the protagonist, that is concrete, tangible; it is a denouement that can be visualized onRead more
A logline is a short statement (ideally under 30 words) of the plot of a script.
A plot entails a protagonist pursuing a singular — not a dual — objective goal. An objective goal is a goal that is external to the protagonist, that is concrete, tangible; it is a denouement that can be visualized on the screen. In this logline getting the dream job would qualify as an objective goal because it? can be visualized in a scene:? the employer tells him he’s hired and shakes his hand; or he moves into his new office; or he celebrates his promotion with friends and family.? Any of those moments are visual cues to the audience that he has succeeded.
In contrast, what’s the visual for “a higher meaning to his personal tragedy”?? What does that moment look like on a movie screen?? How is it to be visualized? What’s the visual cue for the audience to inform them that he has succeeded?
In terms of drama, the desire for “a higher meaning to his personal tragedy” is a subjective need.? It relates to an internal experience, not an external event. It is abstract, intangible, immaterial.
Loglines are only about objective goals, not subjective needs.? Because film is a visual medium; objective goals can be readily visualized, not so for subjective needs.
Then there is the matter of the inciting incident.
In drama, there should be a direct, cause-and-effect relationship between the inciting incident and the objective goal such that if the inciting incident doesn’t happen, then within the world of the story neither does the pursuit of the objective goal.
Taking this logline at face value, the mother’s death is the inciting incident for the objective goal of pursuing a dream job. Which means by the logic of drama, if she hadn’t died, then he wouldn’t be pursuing his dream job.
Now it makes perfect sense that her death triggers his subjective need, to find meaning in her death. But how does her death trigger him to pursue his dream job? Reading the logline literally — which is the only way it can be read because neither I nor anyone else can read your mind — literally, at face value, the logline says that he pursues his dream job because of how his mother dies.
Or would it be more correct to consider her death as a complication to his pursuit of his dream job, not the inciting incident?? And if that is the case, then the logline needs a casual inciting incident for the objective goal.? What happens that triggers his pursuit of his dream job? A pursuit that within the world of the story would not occur were it not for that inciting incident?
fwiw
See lessAn ex-con, out to kill a reformed paedophile, falls for the man?s protective sister.
Darkhorse:I think you have a potentially interesting story.? But I still think it's makes more sense emotionally, makes for a stronger story if he was the victim of the man he seeks to kill.? It is also more congruent with the your stated theme of forgiveness.That's my 2.5 cents worth.If you don't sRead more
Darkhorse:
I think you have a potentially interesting story.? But I still think it’s makes more sense emotionally, makes for a stronger story if he was the victim of the man he seeks to kill.? It is also more congruent with the your stated theme of forgiveness.
That’s my 2.5 cents worth.
If you don’t see it that way, well, it’s your story. Write the version you want to write.? I have nothing more to contribute other than to repeat that that the logline needs to clearly state the protagonist was the victim of sexual abuse.
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