A logline should focus on one inciting motivation for the protagonist’s pursuit of an objective goal. ?The revision has two: ?disillusionment and a dying friend’s wish.

And frankly, the two motivations seem to be rather weak ?for undertaking the hazards of a cross-country journey. ?I can see the the young man leaving the community out of disillusionment, but that doesn’t explain why he would travel cross-country to see the launch.

And It seems to me that doing it for the sake of a last wish of a close friend is weak because the adolescent is doing for the sake of some one else rather than for himself. ?He’s taking a guilt/grief trip rather than a personal odyssey. ?And it begs the question: why does the dying friend want to either see the ?launch in person himself or impose his deathbed wish on the the adolescent?

The question is not why does the teenager want to see the launch in person. ?The question is why must the teenager see the launch in person? ? What is his ?stake — not his dying friend’s stake — but his personal stake in seeing the launch? ?What does he stand to lose if he doesn’t see the launch?

fwiw

And why does the convict want to rescue a ?super hero? ?What’s in it for him? ?And what about the plague he engineered? ?Is this causally related to the super hero’s affliction? ?Or is it something entirely different?

And presuming it’s fatal disease, the logline might benefit from a ticking clock that escalates the sense of urgency. ?He only has a limited time to succeed before the super hero dies