1. Posted: April 2, 2016In:

    Through various interactions with old friends and family at her mom’s funeral, a bitter, middle-aged woman learns that she may have been the most important thing in her mom’s life – even though they haven’t spoken in twenty years.

    dpg Singularity

    As Richiev said.Although I think?the discovery about her mother could come?earlier IF it's the inciting incident for some objective goal she must accomplish as a result of the discovery.? But I can't tell from the logline whether it's something she learns at the start of the?story -- or the end.If iRead more

    As Richiev said.

    Although I think?the discovery about her mother could come?earlier IF it’s the inciting incident for some objective goal she must accomplish as a result of the discovery.? But I can’t tell from the logline whether it’s something she learns at the start of the?story — or the end.

    If it’s what she discovers at the end of the story — then yes, it’s a spoiler.? A logline should never give away?the ?ending.

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  2. Posted: March 31, 2016In:

    To regain his status in the high ranks of the order after a shameful ban, an arrogant, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious rebels in the realm.

    dpg Singularity

    So what have these? actually done in the realm that makes them the?"most vicious"??? I suggest that needs more specificity.More specifically, what injustice have they committed against the sorcerer?? ?What is a direct causal link between their evil deeds and the life of the sorcerer -- the incitingRead more

    So what have these? actually done in the realm that makes them the?”most vicious”??? I suggest that needs more specificity.

    More specifically, what injustice have they committed against the sorcerer?? ?What is a direct causal link between their evil deeds and the life of the sorcerer — the inciting incident, if you will –?that motivates him to hunt them down??? I suggest making the motivation for his hunt personal as well as communal.? Like they killed his family, or have kidnapped a love one (a sister or the woman he loves, hopes to marry).

    Again, consider? “Star Wars: A New Hope”.??Young Luke is not ignorant of the war between the?Empire and the Rebel Alliance, but it’s not his fight — he has no skin in the game.? So he’s not motivated to overcome his own doubts and apprehension and answer Obi-Wan’s call.? And then his uncle and aunt are killed.

    Now it’s personal.? Now he’s motivated.? Now it’s a motivation the audience can relate to.

    What is the strongest possible motive for the young man to?go from being a sorcerer to being a warrior??? They’re different roles with different skill sets.? Would it not be the case that just because he’s got the right stuff to be a sorcerer? it doesn’t mean those capabilities?also mean?he’s got the right stuff to be a warrior?

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: March 31, 2016In:

    To regain his status in the high ranks of the order after a shameful ban, an arrogant, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious rebels in the realm.

    dpg Singularity

    >?he goes against a very strong opponent, so basically him going against the rebel.As I indicated earlier, I have a problem with his motivation being to exalt himself rather than save his community. Audiences root for characters who are selfless -- not selfish.? So I suggest deleting any referencRead more

    >?he goes against a very strong opponent, so basically him going against the rebel.

    As I indicated earlier, I have a problem with his motivation being to exalt himself rather than save his community. Audiences root for characters who are selfless — not selfish.? So I suggest deleting any reference to gaining or regaining his status.

    Which is not to say, that in the story proper he can’t start out on his heroic struggle imperfectly motivated — that could be his character arc, growing internally to where he overcomes his arrogance, does the right thing for the right reason.?

    But loglines are about external,?objective?issues not internal, subjective?issues.? Loglines are about what a character needs to do? with his life — his agon (struggle) –not about what wisdom?he needs to learn about??life (ethos).?? The? ethos is apprehended (finally) and embraced as an unintended consequence of an intentional struggle.

    It seems to me that describing him as arrogant is sufficient –that’s his character flaw, right?? ?Implicit in the character flaw is the character arc, the journey to?the ?opposite:? humility.

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