1. Posted: March 21, 2016In:

    When a young mother encounters a random woman in a crowd, she is mysteriously filled with an unceasing desire to kill her, and must do so before the other woman kills her first.

    dpg Singularity

    I love the concept of a kill mate as the antithesis of the soul mate.? So very Jungian.? That, for me, is the story hook.? Not what she does, but the?WHY,?the?psychological motivation driving the plot, her actions.But it's?a tough concept to explain?and ?sell in a few words.? Keep working in it, TomRead more

    I love the concept of a kill mate as the antithesis of the soul mate.? So very Jungian.? That, for me, is the story hook.? Not what she does, but the?WHY,?the?psychological motivation driving the plot, her actions.

    But it’s?a tough concept to explain?and ?sell in a few words.? Keep working in it, Tom.? I think?the concept, if not the logline (yet), is a?winner.

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  2. Posted: March 22, 2016In:

    In the spirit of Christmas Eve, an officer lets a drag queen go free. But when the decapitated body turns up in a dumpster, he must find the murderer to clear his name and conscience.

    dpg Singularity

    Thanks for the prompt and intelligent?feedback, guys.?? It's exactly what I want.One theme of the story is the?cynical saying I often heard while working for?the Los Angeles Police Department, ?that in police work no good deed goes unpunished.And I agree with you that the logline reads like just anoRead more

    Thanks for the prompt and intelligent?feedback, guys.?? It’s exactly what I want.

    One theme of the story is the?cynical saying I often heard while working for?the Los Angeles Police Department, ?that in police work no good deed goes unpunished.

    And I agree with you that the logline reads like just another (yawn) police procedural.? Except it’s inspired by a real incident, a discretionary decision I made one ?night while working the graveyard shift in ?Hollywood.? The “what if…?” has haunted me ever since.? You might say it was the “inciting incident” for my endeavor to become a screenwriter.

    You, of course, had no way of knowing that — nor should you have to know it.? The concept has to stand on its own legs.? And there?have been so many crime/cop films set in the?mean and freaky?streets of “Hollyweird” — what does this story dramatize that hasn’t already been done? a dozen times?

    I think I’ve got a story angle that has never?been done before in a?cop/crime procedural set in L.A. because of the unique position and circumstances ?I was in at the time.?? (And I dare to ?say that having seen every L.A. crime film I’m aware of and having read?most of ?the L.A. cop/crime books by such greats as Joseph Wambaugh and Michael Connelly.) ?But I haven’t?yet figured out how to ?plant it as a hook in a concise ?logline.?

    Again, thanks for the feedback.

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  3. Posted: March 21, 2016In:

    When a nerdy Greek scholarship holder fall in love with his popstar fellow student, the young relationship goes through tough times as she is living in a celebrity bubble always busy when he needs her presence.

    dpg Singularity

    Taken literally, the logline says he's in love with her, but does not say his feelings are reciprocated. In which case,? the problem isn't that she's too busy, it's that the love isn't mutual.? I presume that intention is that the initial feelings are mutual.??? So I?suggest the logline needs a? polRead more

    Taken literally, the logline says he’s in love with her, but does not say his feelings are reciprocated. In which case,? the problem isn’t that she’s too busy, it’s that the love isn’t mutual.? I presume that intention is that the initial feelings are mutual.??? So I?suggest the logline needs a? polish ?to clarify the initial nature of their relationship, that the love is mutual.

    And then a major ?complication ensues because of their diverse backgrounds, life styles and career goals.? What, specifically, is that complication??? “Goes through rough times” is vague.? What’s the visual on “rough times”??? Whatever that is, translate it into specific words.? What is the primary complication that arises that drives them apart, that gap in their relationship he must find a way to close?

    fwiw

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