1. Posted: February 2, 2016In:

    Lena is a Demitto, the lowest, most oppressed race in Arcadia, considered only good enough to be a servant. Damien is an Elite, the highest and most powerful of races. Not only is he an Elite ? he is the Price of Arcadia and heir to the throne. When their paths cross an unlikely relationship begins that changes both of their lives, and challenges the way of life in Arcadia for all Demittos and Elites.

    dpg Singularity

    Well, there's the issue that the logline, at 75 words, w-a-y too long. And then there is the issue that loglines usually introduce characters by their roles (only), not their names.But it seems to me that the more fundamental issues are 1] a lack of clear, robust inciting incident; 2] A lack of a clRead more

    Well, there’s the issue that the logline, at 75 words, w-a-y too long. And then there is the issue that loglines usually introduce characters by their roles (only), not their names.

    But it seems to me that the more fundamental issues are 1] a lack of clear, robust inciting incident; 2] A lack of a clear objective goal for the plot the inciting incident creates; and, 3] a lack of a clear impression of obstacles and jeopardy that threatens to bring their love to naught — factors that create dramatic suspense and tension.

    1] “When their paths cross…” — what does that really mean? Do they fall in love? If so, say so — because that is far more compelling than merely “crossing paths”. If this is a love story bring their passion to the logline.

    2] “..an unlikely relationship begins that changes both their lives.” Changes how? As a result of their “crossing paths” what becomes their mutual objective goal? When Romeo “crosses” paths with Juliet, they fall passionately in love and resolved to marry….

    3]…despite the fact they are families engaged in a bitter and bloody feud –obstacles & jeopardy. What’s the jeopardy in “challenges the way of life in Arcadia…”?

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  2. Posted: February 2, 2016In:

    A young 10-year-old boy watches his neighbor girl play in his front yard. He feels butterflies in his stomach when looking at her. The young boy feels the drive to overcome his shyness and tries to find a way to get the girl?s attention.

    dpg Singularity

    The inciting incident is weak "feels butterflies in his stomach" and is internal.? In movies, all things internal must be externalized, made manifest ?through action and dialogue.? And the logline needs to state a specific act or series of acts, the boy undertakes as a result of his attraction to thRead more

    The inciting incident is weak “feels butterflies in his stomach” and is internal.? In movies, all things internal must be externalized, made manifest ?through action and dialogue.? And the logline needs to state a specific act or series of acts, the boy undertakes as a result of his attraction to the girl.

    Also isn’t?”get the girl’s attention”? a? means to another end, which is the boy’s real objective goal?? Doesn’t he? want more than?mere “attention”? Doesn’t he want to win her friendship?

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  3. Posted: February 2, 2016In:

    A runaway kid in 1920?s Oklahoma transforms vagrancy, drug addiction and mental illness through religion to success in business, but his past overwhelms him.

    dpg Singularity

    I found the logline a little confusing.? I think you mean to say that he transformed his life through religion, but as the words are arranged some might read it as meaning he contracted mental illness through religion. Also the logline seems to?tip its hand as to how the story will play out: "but hiRead more

    I found the logline a little confusing.? I think you mean to say that he transformed his life through religion, but as the words are arranged some might read it as meaning he contracted mental illness through religion.

    Also the logline seems to?tip its hand as to how the story will play out: “but his past overwhelms him.”?? A logline should create suspense as to how a story will turn out, but it should never reveal or suggest how it will turn out.? And if “his past overwhelms him”? is merely a late 2nd act reversal of fortune and all will turn out well in the end, the reversal of fortune is a general statement lacking specificity.??? What is there about his past that dooms him?

    And it would benefit from more specificity as to the exact nature of his successful business?? Selling cars?? Real estate?? Bootleg gin? (The 1920’s was the era of prohibition.)

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