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A drug addicted rich kid breaks into an unsuspecting college students parents home who is home from college due to a just diagnoses of severe diabetic. The situation takes a turn for the worse as a hot shot negotiator tries to prove himself rather than save the girl, who falls into diabetic shock slowly as the hostage taker battles withdraw symptoms. The ending of this terrible situation is tragic and carries swift punishment, no one will ever be the same.
As far as I can figure out, the crux of the situation seems to be that the hostage taker is suffering drug withdrawal symptoms at the same time as his hostage victim is going into diabetic shock. But I can't figure out who the protagonist is. And the logline sort of gives away the ending "the endingRead more
As far as I can figure out, the crux of the situation seems to be that the hostage taker is suffering drug withdrawal symptoms at the same time as his hostage victim is going into diabetic shock.
But I can’t figure out who the protagonist is.
And the logline sort of gives away the ending “the ending of this terrible situation is tragic”, something a logline should never do.
See lessWhen a mass murder shuts down production on an Arctic oil rig, an ambitious young oil exec is charged with managing the crisis only to be thrust into a battle for survival as an ancient fungus co-opts the first responders turning them into violent spore spreading rapists.
Everything Nir Shelter. The 50 word version is still confusing (and too long). Simplify, simplify. For example, "apparent mass murder" is not the inciting incident -- it's a result of the inciting incident, the outbreak of the fungus infection. So it's not needed in the logline -- save it for the stRead more
Everything Nir Shelter. The 50 word version is still confusing (and too long).
Simplify, simplify. For example, “apparent mass murder” is not the inciting incident — it’s a result of the inciting incident, the outbreak of the fungus infection. So it’s not needed in the logline — save it for the story proper.
Also the logline frames the protagonist’s role and struggle in the passive voice (“is charged with…”, “thrust into a battle…). The protagonist’s role and struggle should be stated in the active voice — with verbs that tell what he does, not what is done to him.
See lessWhen a mass murder shuts down production on an Arctic oil rig, an ambitious young oil exec is charged with managing the crisis only to be thrust into a battle for survival as an ancient fungus co-opts the first responders turning them into violent spore spreading rapists.
Everything Nir Shelter. The 50 word version is still confusing (and too long). Simplify, simplify. For example, "apparent mass murder" is not the inciting incident -- it's a result of the inciting incident, the outbreak of the fungus infection. So it's not needed in the logline -- save it for the stRead more
Everything Nir Shelter. The 50 word version is still confusing (and too long).
Simplify, simplify. For example, “apparent mass murder” is not the inciting incident — it’s a result of the inciting incident, the outbreak of the fungus infection. So it’s not needed in the logline — save it for the story proper.
Also the logline frames the protagonist’s role and struggle in the passive voice (“is charged with…”, “thrust into a battle…). The protagonist’s role and struggle should be stated in the active voice — with verbs that tell what he does, not what is done to him.
See less