1. Posted: April 12, 2013In:

    After her friend accidentally discovers time travel through memory research, a habitually cautious woman risks her sanity and ultimately her father's life by returning to her early teen years to prevent her Charlston-socialite mother's murder.

    dpg Singularity

    Or: After discovering time travel through memory research, a normally cautious (occupation) risks her sanity and the life of her father* by venturing into the past to relive her adolescence in order to prevent the murder of her mother. *I would be tempted to tweak it to say her own life. Her fatherRead more

    Or:

    After discovering time travel through memory research, a normally cautious (occupation) risks her sanity and the life of her father* by venturing into the past to relive her adolescence in order to prevent the murder of her mother.

    *I would be tempted to tweak it to say her own life. Her father could be collateral damage, of course. Even if it jeopardizes her father’s life, it raises the stakes (always a good thing!) if her own life is on the line, too.

    Anyway, the logline shows her having a clear objective goal.

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  2. Posted: April 15, 2013In:

    In a world where sadness is punishable by death, and the broken-hearted must gather in secret, a singer of melancholy songs struggles to incarnate the true love he's found in his dreams in order to escape the oppression of his waking life.

    dpg Singularity

    I love a struggle with the Thought-Emotion Police, too. But as the logline is currently worded, there isn't much of a struggle. The protagonist's only objective goal seems to be to indulge in escapism, rather than overthrow the oppression, liberate himself (and his fellow sufferers).

    I love a struggle with the Thought-Emotion Police, too. But as the logline is currently worded, there isn’t much of a struggle. The protagonist’s only objective goal seems to be to indulge in escapism, rather than overthrow the oppression, liberate himself (and his fellow sufferers).

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  3. Posted: April 15, 2013In:

    "When a smart and lonely charlatan is mockingly deceived by a criminal financier, she puts together a gang of female con-artists, to get the businessman’s financial empire to collapse."

    dpg Singularity

    Somewhat clearer, but shouldn't her objective goal be to get her money back for her daughter's eye operation? She may want to take down the criminal as revenge -- but that's a bonus. Her primary goal is to get the money she needs for the surgery. And "she must learn to become a con artist" is weak.Read more

    Somewhat clearer, but shouldn’t her objective goal be to get her money back for her daughter’s eye operation? She may want to take down the criminal as revenge — but that’s a bonus. Her primary goal is to get the money she needs for the surgery.

    And “she must learn to become a con artist” is weak. Something like “she masters the art of the con” or “becomes a con artist” is stronger. The suspense in the story, the moment of truth, is not in the learning but the doing — can she pull off the con? (Of course, she must learn but that builds up to the moment of truth.)

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