1. Posted: August 24, 2018In:

    A young man claiming to be the estranged nephew of a hardworking, devote family woman is welcomed into her family’s home and lives. When a series of burglaries and drug abuse plague the neighborhood they live in, it is seemingly connected to him. Now, the matriarch must choose between defending her extended family or her responsibility to the community.

    dpg Singularity

    First of all, at 59 words, the entry is way too long.? Also, it's not clear who the protagonist is,? the "nephew" or the matriarch.? If the main character is the matriarch,? her role is buried in the last sentence.In the age of the internet, more than ever, show business power brokers don't have theRead more

    First of all, at 59 words, the entry is way too long.? Also, it’s not clear who the protagonist is,? the “nephew” or the matriarch.? If the main character is the matriarch,? her role is buried in the last sentence.

    In the age of the internet, more than ever, show business power brokers don’t have the cognitive patience to read long loglines.? Nor the cognitive patience to decode loglines of any length? for the protagonist and the plot.? The protagonist and the plot need to be clearly and quickly defined.

    >>>must choose between

    Logline are not about a character having to choose between 2 options.? Loglines are about a specific choice made that commits the character to achieving a singular, specific objective goal.

    So what is the inciting incident?? Who is the protagonist?? And what is the protagonist’s objective goal?

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  2. Posted: August 23, 2018In:

    A na?ve college graduate makes a wish to a shooting star that he could get any job he wanted and finds that the next day; no matter where is, what he wears and how he feels, people (including employees) assume he works there. He uses this strange new curse to infiltrate a UN meeting and try to trick the world leaders into agreeing to World Peace.

    dpg Singularity

    The logic of the logline seems disjunctive, muddled. The setup is that he wishes to get any job he wants.? Okay, so why is he being mistakenly confused as an employee in all kinds of jobs he doesn't want or at least has no interest in?What is the singular objective goal that drives the plot?? The plRead more

    The logic of the logline seems disjunctive, muddled. The setup is that he wishes to get any job he wants.? Okay, so why is he being mistakenly confused as an employee in all kinds of jobs he doesn’t want or at least has no interest in?

    What is the singular objective goal that drives the plot?? The plot seems to jump the rails from getting the job he wants to tricking others into world peace.? What is the dramatically logical leap from making a wish for himself to trying to trick others into world peace??

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  3. Posted: August 20, 2018In:

    When the Miami Dolphin’s mascot is kidnapped, an unorthodox pet detective is hired to track down the missing dolphin before the Superbowl.

    dpg Singularity

    When the Miami Dolphin?s mascot is kidnapped, a goofy pet detective must rescue the dolphin by Super Bowl Sunday.(19 words)I think this revision makes the objective goal and effort more urgent.I would have preferred to say the protagonist has? "XX hours" or "X days" to rescue the mammal -- to specifRead more

    When the Miami Dolphin?s mascot is kidnapped, a goofy pet detective must rescue the dolphin by Super Bowl Sunday.
    (19 words)

    I think this revision makes the objective goal and effort more urgent.

    I would have preferred to say the protagonist has? “XX hours” or “X days” to rescue the mammal — to specify the time left on the ticking clock.? But the script is vague on that point. It only indicates that it’s Super Bowl week.

    >>>this is one of those stories with a flat arc

    That can happen; it’s “legal”.? What matters most is that as a result of the plot, somebody undergoes a transformation (whether a lot or a little).? And in this case,? as you correctly pointed out, it’s everyone else who changes, who come to appreciate him in spite of his eccentric ways.

    BTW:? I believe the kidnapping of the dolphin qualifies as the inciting incident because: 1] it upsets the status quo;? 2] It starts the chain reaction of events that constitutes the plot.? It’s the first cause, the domino that causes all the others to fall.? Mr. Ventura’s getting hired is the next domino to fall — not the first.

    fwiw

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