1. Posted: July 20, 2020In:

    Ramona, an introverted high school girl, unknowingly helps a disguised magical spirit, and in return is awakened to the inevitable destructive fate of her world. Ramona must flee her seemingly protected, privileged city and upbringing, to journey through an impoverished but enchanting land to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain. How will reaching the top of a distant mountain save her world? If this guy (or gal) is omnipotent enough to save her world, then isn't he/she also omniscient to know it needs saving? So why doesn't tRead more

    >>>to reach the world’s one true saviour, who is to be found on top of a distant mountain.

    How will reaching the top of a distant mountain save her world? If this guy (or gal) is omnipotent enough to save her world, then isn’t he/she also omniscient to know it needs saving? So why doesn’t the savior just do his/her job?

    Also, it is ultimately the job of the protagonist to save her story world. But in this plot, she outsources her job to someone else.

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  2. Posted: July 20, 2020In:

    When a dead beat accidentally gets injected with an experimental brain implant giving him the ability to learn anything instantly, he must use his new abilities to take down the nefarious group who’ll stop at nothing to get the implant back

    dpg Singularity

    Since he can learn anything *instantly*, that means he can rapidly and easily outwit the bad guys, figure his way out of every snare the plot lays for him, right? So, what is there for the audience to worry about? What's to sustain and escalate suspense?

    Since he can learn anything *instantly*, that means he can rapidly and easily outwit the bad guys, figure his way out of every snare the plot lays for him, right?

    So, what is there for the audience to worry about? What’s to sustain and escalate suspense?

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  3. Posted: July 15, 2020In:

    When a successful entomologist and his father, an army reserve, are humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong, he must gain respect back for his family while saving his captive father from the greedy military, and uncover the secrets behind the mysterious weaponized insect before humans become the endangered species.

    dpg Singularity

    There may be an interesting story here, but unfortunately the logline conceals rather than reveals it. First of all, the logline is too l-o-n-g. An ideal industry acceptable logline should be no longer than 30 words in length. This logline is 56 words long. It's DOA -- no moviemaker will bother to rRead more

    There may be an interesting story here, but unfortunately the logline conceals rather than reveals it.

    First of all, the logline is too l-o-n-g. An ideal industry acceptable logline should be no longer than 30 words in length. This logline is 56 words long. It’s DOA — no moviemaker will bother to read it.

    Second, a logline should lead with a story hook, the story element that will immediately grab attention, make someone want to read the script. Instead, this logline places the story hook — “weaponized insect” — at the end. It buries the most interesting story element under 50 words.

    Fifty words that obfuscate the plot rather than clearly and concisely state the plot. By obfuscate I mean that the logline gives the protagonist 3 plot goals, “gain respect”, “save his father”, “uncover the secrets”. A protagonist’s motivations may be overdetermined, but a logline is a brief statement of the plot. And a plot is organized by *one* overarching objective goal, not two or three. Which one of those goals constitutes the organizing goal– the spine– of the plot?

    In 30 words or less, what is the story about?

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