1. Posted: October 17, 2017In:

    When a bitter war-veteran befriends a rough sixteen-year-old girl they discover a common sense of hopelessness, however, when she becomes indebted to a sleazy drug dealer, he must rediscover the war-hero within to save her.

    dpg Singularity

    There may be a compelling redemption through rescue story in this logline.? But I'm not yet sure, not yet hooked enough to see how it plays out in a full script.? Why?Because film is a visual medium.? So what is the visual for "they discover a common sense of hopelessness"?? What is the outer physicRead more

    There may be a compelling redemption through rescue story in this logline.? But I’m not yet sure, not yet hooked enough to see how it plays out in a full script.? Why?

    Because film is a visual medium.? So what is the visual for “they discover a common sense of hopelessness”?? What is the outer physical manifestation of the inner mental state of hopelessness?? Are they both drug abusers?? Is it that how they initially connect?

    Similarly for “rediscover the war-hero within”.? ?How does that translate into specific, visual external action?

    My point is that every action element in a logline should be described in concrete terms that reference external objects and actions, not internal states of mind (“discover a common sense of hopelessness”) or subjective issues (“rediscover the war-heo within”).

    Finally, I suggest the young girl’s peril needs to be made specific.? That is, in what way must she settle her debt with the dealer?? What must the war vet rescue her from? Becoming a mule?? A? dealer?? A prostitute?? Don’t tease — tell.

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: October 16, 2017In:

    Denied life insurance benefits after her partner dies, an unemployed chef must unravel a diabolical link between the insurance company, a genetic testing company, and a popular internet search engine before she and her unborn child become their next victims.

    dpg Singularity

    As the others have said:? too many moving parts.Also I would point out that a logline is written from the pov of the protagonist.? That is, it is a statement of what the protagonist seeks to accomplish -- his objective goal -- based upon what he knows at the time he commits to that goal?(by the endRead more

    As the others have said:? too many moving parts.

    Also I would point out that a logline is written from the pov of the protagonist.? That is, it is a statement of what the protagonist seeks to accomplish — his objective goal — based upon what he knows at the time he commits to that goal?(by the end of the 1st Act).

    Taking this logline at face value, it suggests that after the insurance death benefits are denied, the chef acts knowing that the reason involves a link between the insurance company and genetic testing company and a the internet search engine.? He just has to find the missing clues.

    But I’m guessing that the plot is about the chef discovering the link between the three in the process of trying to accomplish something else.? These 3 seemingly disconnected elements are? pieces of a puzzle the chef discovers and then has to piece together.?

    Which is okay for the script proper.? But not for the logline. The logline should be written in terms of the objective goal/course of action the chef takes based upon the knowledge he initially knows.? That action leads to the discovery of the pieces and the connections among them.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: October 14, 2017In:

    A young aid worker tormented by his dreams learns humanity has been manipulated for aeons. Only by accepting the past does he have a chance to save the future, humanity and the people he loves.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>I?d like to have the logline make people want to find out more.The purpose of a logline is to pitch your script to movie makers, not movie viewers.? To people who you want to invest millions of dollars and a year or more of their lives to produce -- not $10-12 for? a ticket and a coupleRead more

    >>>I?d like to have the logline make people want to find out more.

    The purpose of a logline is to pitch your script to movie makers, not movie viewers.? To people who you want to invest millions of dollars and a year or more of their lives to produce — not $10-12 for? a ticket and a couple of hours of their time.? They expect to be told what the script is about — not teased.? Withholding or obscuring the vital details is counterproductive — a turn off, not a turn off for this bottom line, tough minded crowd.

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