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When he learns the one that got away is getting, a man sets about winning her back, with the help of the fiance’s ex, only to fall for her as well.
What is your story hook?The logline leads off with "When he learns the one that got away is getting married, a man sets about winning her back" -- you know that will immediately incite the thought in Hollyweird minds: "Oh, it's a male version of? 'My Best Friend's Wedding'."? Is that exactly the reaRead more
What is your story hook?
The logline leads off with “When he learns the one that got away is getting married, a man sets about winning her back” — you know that will immediately incite the thought in Hollyweird minds: “Oh, it’s a male version of? ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’.”? Is that exactly the reaction you want?? IOW:? what differentiates your movie idea from that movie ?? The alternate gender of the lead?? Or…?
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See lessAfter a shy teen falls in love with an unknown girl he dreams of every night, he sleeps all day to be with her, but ultimately he has to overcome his shyness in order to find a real girlfriend.
As OlDustyDogg said.The teen definitely has a socializing issue.? But he's only a teen -- he's got years ahead of him to have girlfriends and eventually find a mate.? Why must he find a girlfriend NOW?? What's the dramatic urgency?? What are the stakes?? What does he stand to gain if he does find aRead more
As OlDustyDogg said.
The teen definitely has a socializing issue.? But he’s only a teen — he’s got years ahead of him to have girlfriends and eventually find a mate.? Why must he find a girlfriend NOW?? What’s the dramatic urgency?? What are the stakes?? What does he stand to gain if he does find a girlfriend NOW?? What does he stand to lose NOW if he doesn’t?
(Having an “unknown girl he dreams of” also has echoes Jung’s notion of the anima archetype.? Which I assume you are familiar with.? But I don’t know what you intend to do with that in the story.? Like how does this “dream girl”, his? anima , present a complication, an obstacle to relating to real women in his waking life?)
See less“Five college friends must fight off a man-eating mermaid when their party-barge stalls in the middle of a lake.”
The story hook is that the adversary is a man-eating mermaid.? And it's a good one.However, I believe the logline could use a polish to become a more effective marketing tool:1] Mermaids are technically not human, hence man-eating instead of cannibalistic.? And the alliteration , "man-eating mermaidRead more
The story hook is that the adversary is a man-eating mermaid.? And it’s a good one.
However, I believe the logline could use a polish to become a more effective marketing tool:
1] Mermaids are technically not human, hence man-eating instead of cannibalistic.? And the alliteration , “man-eating mermaid” reads and sounds better.? (Loglines should be read aloud while being crafted because the logline is also going to serve as the basis for the elevator pitch, right?)
2] I suggest that “find themselves stranded”? needs to be more specific. What is the specific inciting incident that causes them to be stranded?? Does the engine mysteriously fail?? Or…?
3] As I noted, the man-eating mermaid is the story hook — but a reader has to slog through 28 words to discover it.? In “high concept” loglines (say 15 words or less), it’s okay? to deliver the story hook as the punch line at the end of the sentence.? But in longer loglines, not so much.? I suggest that it becomes a problem in loglines that exceed the idealized logline length of 25 words.?? It amounts to burying the story hook instead of brandishing it.
This logline is 30 words long.? So I suggest the logline be reworded to front load the story hook.? For example:
Five college friends become the prey of a man-eating mermaid when their yacht mysteriously stalls in the middle of a haunted lake.
Shorter at 22 words and the story hook is delivered by the 10th word, in the 1st half of the logline, instead of at the end of the 2nd half.
4] Finally, why five friends?? Could it be four?? I ask the question because having 5 major roles in an ensemble cast plus the character of the mermaid may become a budgetary and casting problem.? Not to mention it dilutes narrative focus. Just saying.
Anyway, as I said, the logline has a good story hook.? Best wishes with your project.
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