1. Posted: June 13, 2017In:

    When his medication suddenly stops working, a contentedly married man must endure terrifying Hypnotic Regressions in search of an answer to his mysterious and debilitating condition. (26)

    dpg Singularity

    Medication for what? ?What is his "mysterious condition" that requires such drastic remedies? ?The logline seems to be hiding the game ball.

    Medication for what? ?What is his “mysterious condition” that requires such drastic remedies? ?The logline seems to be hiding the game ball.

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  2. Posted: June 13, 2017In:

    Another rewrite: When a young Muslim woman with dream for true love finds love outside her faith, her betrothed seeks to avenge his honor and the honor of his family.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    I think you have the raw material for a compelling human drama, but this version hides what originally hooked my interest and what I think makes the story stand out as different, unique from the 10001 stories about star-crossed romance.Romeo was looking for true love, too. But that's not the plot ofRead more

    I think you have the raw material for a compelling human drama, but this version hides what originally hooked my interest and what I think makes the story stand out as different, unique from the 10001 stories about star-crossed romance.

    Romeo was looking for true love, too. But that’s not the plot of Shakespeare’s immortal play. ?The plot is about what happens after he falls in love with a specific girl, Juliet.

    So be specific.

    That includes being specific about the setting, Norway, and her status, that she’s an emigrant. ?Otherwise, logline readers are going to assume the setting is in the Middle East. ?Maybe in Israel (“outside her faith” could mean he’s Jewish) or Egypt (where “outside her faith” could mean he’s Coptic).

    The setting is a distinguishing feature, a central element of the story hook, and the logline should advertise it.

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  3. Posted: June 13, 2017In:

    When a self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie falls for a devoted mother and city writer online, he must take responsibility for his own son, before winning her heart or losing his last chance for true love.

    dpg Singularity

    I agree with ?RusselN that it's better to describe him as lonely rather than self-absorbed.And I would describe him as a long-haul trucker to signal that (either by choice or by assignment) he's on the road most of the time far away from any home (his own or his son's). ?This is his alibi ?to himselRead more

    I agree with ?RusselN that it’s better to describe him as lonely rather than self-absorbed.

    And I would describe him as a long-haul trucker to signal that (either by choice or by assignment) he’s on the road most of the time far away from any home (his own or his son’s). ?This is his alibi ?to himself and to others for why can’t spend quality time — any time — with his son

    I have a nick-picky quibble (because I’m rather OCD when it comes to wording): to wit, technically, how can his son be “orphaned” when he has a father who is still alive? ?And since the father is “divorced” we are left to surmise that the mother is still alive ?also. (Is she?) ?So, again, how can it be said the son is in danger of being ‘orphaned’. ?Isn’t it rather the case that both father and mother are on the verge of losing custody of him to foster care because of parental neglect?

    If this is the case, then isn’t his responsibility to man up — or rather, father up. ? And ?why does he need to turn “friendship into love”? ? Is he not wooing his Internet soul mate for the sake of his son, to give him a ?stable home, a decent mother? ?Isn’t that how the objective goal of the logline should be framed — he’s not doing it for himself (that would truly be a self-absorbed motive); he’s wooing her for the sake of his son.

    I think there is the raw material for a great human interest story here, but I suggest the concept needs some additional polishing.

    fwiw

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