1. Posted: April 25, 2017In:

    When an irresponsible party girl’s father is framed by the mob, leaving her with an estranged 11-year-old to raise, she must fool social services to keep the child and outwit the mob to get her father out of prison.

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    dpg Singularity

    I agree with ?Dkpough1. ?It's hard to suspend disbelief on the elements of the premise. ?That a "irresponsible party girl" can immediately wise up to concurrently outwit the mob. ?And beat the legal system. And fool social services. Oh, and also provide for and raise her younger sister.The plot seemRead more

    I agree with ?Dkpough1. ?It’s hard to suspend disbelief on the elements of the premise. ?That a “irresponsible party girl” can immediately wise up to concurrently outwit the mob. ?And beat the legal system. And fool social services.

    Oh, and also provide for and raise her younger sister.

    The plot seems to be juggling too many balls. ?It’s probably better to simplify.

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  2. Posted: April 24, 2017In:

    An Iraqi war vet, who discovers he was not born American, is caught by ICE. They promise him citizenship if he helps bring down a syndicate of birth certificate forgers. . But they renege and deport him to Guatemala, where gangs chase him on a harrowing journey back to the US to reunite with his family.

    dpg Singularity

    TGS: Thanks for the clarification. ? ?Have you considered writing a script based upon or at least "inspired by" a real veteran's struggle to get back to the US and win legal status after he has been deported??Or if you prefer to pursue a fictional character and story line than I suggest he not justRead more

    TGS:
    Thanks for the clarification. ? ?Have you considered writing a script based upon or at least “inspired by” a real veteran’s struggle to get back to the US and win legal status after he has been deported?

    ?

    Or if you prefer to pursue a fictional character and story line than I suggest he not just be an Iraqi vet — but a decorated vet, one who served with valor and distinction. ?This instantly makes him a more sympathetic character.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: April 25, 2017In:

    Desperate to save his famous family farm, a proud cowboy tries to win $50,000 at the state rodeo, only to find out that his biggest rival is the college-indebted woman who stole his heart. (My idea with this logline is that the cowboy has a problem to lose against a woman in the first place. But he actually loves her. This tension drives the characters and the story forward.)

    dpg Singularity

    I think it creates more dramatic tension if he desperately needs the money rather than merely wants it. ?It makes him a more sympathetic character if he's ?competing for a selfless purpose -- to save the family farm -- rather than a selfish one, to win the money for himself while inflating his ego.IRead more

    I think it creates more dramatic tension if he desperately needs the money rather than merely wants it. ?It makes him a more sympathetic character if he’s ?competing for a selfless purpose — to save the family farm — rather than a selfish one, to win the money for himself while inflating his ego.

    I also think he should have to compete against a rival for her affections.

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