>>>”giving them a four-year lifespan”

Hmm. ?An echo of “Blade Runner”, the 4 year life span of the Nexus 6 model of replicants? ?Maybe make that 5 or 6 years instead? ?I don’t know if replicating the lifespan of replicants will be perceived as an obvious reference. ?And if so, if that is a plus or minus.

That said, I am intrigued by the concept of a tradeoff, that having super powers comes with a price. ?For me, that is the hook of the story and it’s a great one. ?And for that reason, ?the logline gets my vote.

However, I suggest the logline needs refocusing, clarification and compression.

By refocusing, I mean that if you’re going to give mutant super soldiers a 4 year life span (their character flaw or vulnerability, right?), then that needs to be a decisive ?factor in the plot. ?In effect, it’s a ticking clock. So put it to work.

So, perhaps the decisive offensive ?shouldn’t be “pending”. It’s happening — it could be the inciting incident. And whatever the secret ?is ?is a late 2nd Act or 3rd Act ?Big Reveal for the script — but doesn’t need to be in ?the logline. ?For the purpose of the logline, neither the war nor the secret are the hook. ? Again, imho, the hook is the ticking clock of the 4 year life span.

?So, ?the climactic, “winner take all” battle of the ?war has started — but time is running out for the protagonist (and his cohorts).

It seems to me that the dramatic question is whether the super soldiers can win the High Noon battle before their life span expires. ?And that is how the logline should be framed. ?Leverage the hook to the max. ?To do other wise, is a waste of a great idea.

fwiw

I beg to differ, somewhat. I think that being taken hostage is not only a complication, it’s the story hook. It’s what sets the story apart from other family feuds. (It’s a much more interesting situation than the father trying to collect evidence against his ex.)

I agree the details need to be clarified and the action line tweaked. “He attempts to take matters into his own hands”– what does that mean? And in drama, and loglines, a character doesn’t “attempt”. A character does. So exactly what does “take matters into his own hands” mean?

And who is really the protagonist in this family feud, the father or the mother? Or, perchance, is it the child? What is the child’s reaction to being caught in crossfire of his feuding parents?

I think there’s potential for an interesting drama, but the concept, so far, seems to be a diamond in the rough. It needs polishing.

Specifically, the logline needs to indicate where the story is going after the kidnapping. That doesn’t mean giving away the ending. ?But it does mean indicating what is going to happen in the 2nd Act besides the couple shouting at each other. ?IOW: ?the mother takes hostage of the father — then what? ?If it’s her story, what does she intend to do after taking him hostage — why is she taking him hostage? ?If it’s his story, ?what must he do after he’s taken hostage?

Who’s in the driver seat of the plot? ?And in what direction is she or he driving?

fwiw