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?When the mellow, aging owner of a medicinal marijuana dispensary leaves his wayward son in charge of the shop, on the very day cops and criminals turn the place into a madhouse, will he side with the man who has acted like his father, or his actual blood?? ? POT SHOP by Judah Ray ?
"Cops and criminals" -- that's a dead-in-the-water phrase that says nothing about the ACTION, the inciting incident that triggers the resulting plot. What do the cops and criminals DO that kicks off the plot?>>To work for his father.That may be his initial goal, but after the cops and criminalRead more
“Cops and criminals” — that’s a dead-in-the-water phrase that says nothing about the ACTION, the inciting incident that triggers the resulting plot. What do the cops and criminals DO that kicks off the plot?
>>To work for his father.
That may be his initial goal, but after the cops and criminals do whatever they do, he must surely acquire another goal, an urgent one that becomes the backbone for the plot. ?What MUST he do when the cops and criminals do whatever they do?
>>the shop
See lessThat’s all? Shouldn’t the stakes escalate after the inciting incident?
?A young mother?s life descends into chaos, when her husband talks her into helping him complete a job, as a contract killer, assassinating drug dealers, in the Philippines, but when a job goes wrong, and as a result, her husband is killed, and her children kidnapped, she will stop at nothing to meet revenge and save her kids.? ? SHABU by Judah Ray ?
The story is certainly topical, but now boil the plot down to its essence (in 40 words or less).**Who is the protagonist?? A young Filipino mother.**What is the inciting incident? Her husband is killed in a contract killing of a drug dealer and her children are kidnapped.(Save the details for how shRead more
The story is certainly topical, but now boil the plot down to its essence (in 40 words or less).
**Who is the protagonist?? A young Filipino mother.
**What is the inciting incident? Her husband is killed in a contract killing of a drug dealer and her children are kidnapped.
(Save the details for how she gets involved in his business for the script. ?Those details are irrelevant for the purpose of a logline. Getting involved in her husband’s business is the setup for the inciting incident. ?But it is not the inciting incident proper, ergo, doesn’t need to be mentioned in the logline. ?
(Why? ?Because:
– Loglines are a statement of the plot in 40 words or less (the ideal is 25 words) and throwing in the setup usually makes a logline too long.. ?In loglines, less is more.
– Hypothetically, she could get involved, and the execution goes off without a hitch. ?Her husband lives, her children are safe. ?Which ?sends the plot off in another direction, right?
What sends the plot off in the direction you intend is the death of her husband and the kidnapping of her children. ?Ergo, the setup is irrelevant to summarizing the plot for the purpose of a logline. ?What matters is the inciting incident, the event that directly, and immediately triggers the central dramatic problem and the protagonist’s goal.)
**As a result of the inciting incident what becomes her objective goal? ?Rescue her children (who are the stakes characters)
**What’s the urgency? ?IOW: ?what is the ticking clock? ?Like does she have only 24 hours to fulfill the kidnappers demands before they kill her children?
fwiw
See lessFollowing the discovery of an enemy radar station?s location, a pilot?s brash behavior threatens his chance to destroy it and earn the respect he craves.
The good news is that ?the the latest iteration ?informs us as to the setting -- World War II, Burma.The bad news is that it leaves us clueless as what the dramatic problem is that requires him to undertake "unconventional tactics". ?Who/what is the adversary and what is the threat the adversary posRead more
The good news is that ?the the latest iteration ?informs us as to the setting — World War II, Burma.
The bad news is that it leaves us clueless as what the dramatic problem is that requires him to undertake “unconventional tactics”. ?Who/what is the adversary and what is the threat the adversary poses?
An issue that has concerned me in all versions is the narrowness of the stakes. ?If you assay to portray a pilot as an heroic kind of guy, in spite of his flaws, then (particularly in a war story) he has to be fighting for something greater than himself or his crew. ?Something more important needs to hinge on his disarming the radar bunker — or whatever the threat is on the ground. ?Like a major military campaign to push out the Japanese, liberate the country is hanging in the balance. ?If he fails, the campaign is doomed. ?Or some such.
My point is his “unconventional tactics” have?got to be in service of a greater cause than saving his rear end and enhancing his reputation among his peers. ?What are the ultimate stakes?
fwiw
See less