1. Posted: February 24, 2020In:

    When a machete-wielding crew chases a young gang member, he?s forced to drive incognito with a Hassidic geriatric to complete a drug run.

    dpg Singularity

    Hassidic?Okay,? so why not also make the kid Jewish? Non-observant. (Or at least 1/2 Jewish. )Or if you really want to get the Hassidic's knickers in a wad,, have the kid's father be an Aborigine. Oy vey!Anyway, have the Hassidic scholar rebuke him for the path his life is going down.? Have an honesRead more

    Hassidic?

    Okay,? so why not also make the kid Jewish? Non-observant. (Or at least 1/2 Jewish. )

    Or if you really want to get the Hassidic’s knickers in a wad,, have the kid’s father be an Aborigine. Oy vey!

    Anyway, have the Hassidic scholar rebuke him for the path his life is going down.? Have an honest-to-Elohim conflict of age, culture race,, ethics, the Torah and the Talmud.

    If you’re going to throw two people in the same car for the duration of a long ride, give them something to argue about.

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  2. Posted: February 22, 2020In:

    Present day: After his mother is accidentally killed during a father-son quarrel, a young martial artist must find his long-lost uncle – to explain his mother’s dying words, while he is relentlessly pursued by his father, a martial arts master who has vowed to kill him.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Redroad:Your latest version leaves me less puzzled.? It has a logical reason why he would go in search of his uncle -- he needs his protection.? That makes perfect and immediate sense.? Everything in a logline -- logic,motivation,? causality -- must make immediate sense.? A logline doesn't allow wriRead more

    Redroad:

    Your latest version leaves me less puzzled.? It has a logical reason why he would go in search of his uncle — he needs his protection.? That makes perfect and immediate sense.? Everything in a logline — logic,motivation,? causality — must make immediate sense.? A logline doesn’t allow writers the? luxury of space to explain. Only time? (10-12 seconds) to tell.

    Let me clarify my pov:? for the purposes of the script as distinct from the logline, you can work in all that material about his also needing to deliver a message.

    But a logline? is different.? A writer has to work within the tyranny of a template.? He must distill 100+ pages of script down to one sentence of (ideally) 30 words or less that contains a short list of elements:? inciting incident, character, goal, obstacle.

    Oh, the outrageous tyranny of the template, the inhumanity of being constrained to only 30 words!? But that’s the nature of the biz beast.

    Now then:

    On the basis of? my own systematic? and extensive study of loglines , I have concluded that “sweet? spot” for logline word length is 20-30 words. 30-35 words is tolerable;? 35-40 is worrisome.? Anything over 40 words is unacceptable.

    I don’t expect you to accept that just because I say it;? I can back it up it with a graph of a logline database I have built.? But the ability to upload graphs at this site has been disabled.? However, check out this link to a graph I was able to post in in a discussion thread in 2016. (Since then, the sample size has grown to 940; the distribution remains relatively stable.)

    Your latest version is 46 words long.? So I suggest it needs to be trimmed:? Here is my revision that comes in? at 36 words.

    After his mother accidentally dies in a family fight, a grieving young martial artist must flee home and find protection from his long-lost uncle while fending off his father’s warriors who have orders to kill him.

    It needs polishing, but there it is.? My takeaway is that when it comes to drafting loglines, less is more.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: February 24, 2020In:

    After a heart attack on his highschool graduation, an obese mama’s boy sets off to lose a hundred pounds before starting college, in the hopes of getting laid and avoiding an early grave.

    dpg Singularity

    Tjmohr:Okay, 50 lbs is more realistic if your time frame is between graduation and going off to college.(To meet even that goal he will have take up exercise.? A lot exercise to burn off calories.? Which will have the collateral effect of improving his cardiac readouts, make him fit enough to handleRead more

    Tjmohr:

    Okay, 50 lbs is more realistic if your time frame is between graduation and going off to college.

    (To meet even that goal he will have take up exercise.? A lot exercise to burn off calories.? Which will have the collateral effect of improving his cardiac readouts, make him fit enough to handle the “stress” of having sex.)

    If you’re going to use the dead father trope, then his father should have also died of a heart attack — foreshadowing, the vulnerability? runs in his gene pool.? (Which is true. Medical conditions like having high cholesterol does tend to run in families.)

    And I like the fact while his ostensible objective goal is to improve his health, live longer, his secret objective goal — the really juicy carrot dangling in front of him that keeps him motivated — is his desire to get laid. That’s what guys are fantasizing about nearly 24/7 at that time in their lives.? And it’s a comedy, folks. So why not ?

    Anyway, good luck with this story.

    ?

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