1. Posted: November 12, 2016In:

    When a young army colonel is haunted by his time on the battlefield, he must deal with the atrocities his past in order to survive life off the field. Man Down

    dpg Singularity

    Fwiw, here is my take on your logline as vetted through a template I use to vet my own story ideas.?Does the logline have a strong hook??I don't see clearly a defined one to grab and hold interest because the dramatic problem is defined in generalities rather than specifics. "Haunted by his time onRead more

    Fwiw, here is my take on your logline as vetted through a template I use to vet my own story ideas.

    ?

    Does the logline have a strong hook??
    I don’t see clearly a defined one to grab and hold interest because the dramatic problem is defined in generalities rather than specifics. “Haunted by his time on the battlefield”– what is that about? What battlefield?? In Iraq? In Kuwait? In Vietnam?? “Deal with the atrocities” — what does “deal” mean? And were the atrocities he himself committed or only witnessed?

    ?
    How novel is the idea?
    Protagonist soldiers having to deal with something ugly, traumatic in the past, is not an uncommon issue in contemporary films in the war genre.

    ?
    Who is the protagonist?
    Clearly defined:? a young army colonel.

    ?
    Does he have a character flaw?
    Some kind of PTSD, I’m guessing.

    ?
    What is the inciting incident (II)?
    None given.

    ?
    What becomes his objective goal (OG)?
    There is none.? All we are given are vague clues of subjective issues.? Somehow, he’s haunted by something that happened in the battlefield.? But that’s ancient history in terms of plotting and loglines. Loglines are statements of present action and future expectations. They are statements about objective goals moving forward in time — not statements of subjective issues rooted in the past. In this instance, the logline needs to define an objective goal for the colonel in terms of present action and future expectations that he hopes will resolve the subjective issue from his past.

    ?
    Who is the antagonist?
    No antagonist is defined.
    ?
    Are the stakes clear and substantial?
    Not exactly. Something to do with “surviving life off the field”. What does that mean. Is he contemplating suicide? Is he unable to re-adjust to civilian life, hold down a job, maintain his marriage or a love relationship? ?What exactly does he stand to gain if he achieves his objective goal, lose if he fails?

    ?
    Is there a ticking clock?
    No.

    ?
    What is his character strength or defining characteristic?
    None specified.
    Is there a clear causal link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)?
    No because of the lack of a specific inciting incident and a specific objective goal.
    ?
    What is the subjective need?
    In general terms, the the colonel has to “deal” with his past in the present.? But, again, there is no clear definition of “deal”.? How does that translate into a specific objective goal?
    Is there a unifying theme?
    Maybe, but I don’t see it.

    ?
    My take away:
    There may be an interesting story here, especially if it’s based on personal experience. ?But the logline lacks a clear inciting incident and a clear statement of an objective goal, present action with future expectations. Instead it focuses on subjective issues and faces backwards in time instead of forwards.

    We are only given the impression of an ongoing subjective problem from the past. That’s okay. But even so, there has to be a specific incident in the present tense of the startup of the script plot that triggers an urgent need to finally, once and for all, deal with the past.

    (For an excellent example of how to do that, I commend for your consideration the opening minutes of ?the Oscar winning movie, “Ordinary People” (1980), how Alvin Sargent, one of the masters of screenwriting, adapted the best-selling book about a teenager tormented in the present by tragedy in his past. For which Sargent also won an Oscar, btw.)

    Anyway, your logline needs an inciting incident and as a result of that incident a specific objective goal.

    Hope this helps.

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  2. Posted: November 12, 2016In:

    When a former child star escapes the city, a visit from her former agent with a once in a lifetime deal, she must decide to hide away or face fame one last time.

    dpg Singularity

    A ?logline is not about having to make a decision. ?Rather a logline is about what happens after the decision is made. ?Loglines are framed in terms of an objective goal the protagonist struggles to achieve.So, what does she decide to do? ?As a result of that decision, what becomes her objective goaRead more

    A ?logline is not about having to make a decision. ?Rather a logline is about what happens after the decision is made. ?Loglines are framed in terms of an objective goal the protagonist struggles to achieve.

    So, what does she decide to do? ?As a result of that decision, what becomes her objective goal? ?And what are the stakes?

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  3. Posted: November 10, 2016In:

    When a graffiti outbreak in a small town corresponds with recent child abductions in the county, a nerdy teenage boy has to crack the codes to save the children and become the town hero.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    I agree that, as a general rule --but not an, inflexible, inviolate one -- an inciting incident should hit "close to home". ?[But more importantly, the 1st 10 pages must open in a way that grabs attention.] ?In this case, it seems to me the wording of the logline would depend on where writer intendsRead more

    I agree that, as a general rule –but not an, inflexible, inviolate one — an inciting incident should hit “close to home”. ?[But more importantly, the 1st 10 pages must open in a way that grabs attention.] ?

    In this case, it seems to me the wording of the logline would depend on where writer intends the emphasis to be in the inciting incident. ?And what is the teen’s character flaw.

    Is the teen’s action motivated as a result of the abduction hitting close to home, when a loved one disappears — and then the graffiti comes to his attention? ?If so, ?what character flaw does the inciting incident attack that he must overcome to solve the case?

    Or is the teen absorbed in his own world and thoughts, indifferent to the abductions going on around him, but (character reversal) ?gets involved when it dawns on him that the graffiti is not a coincidence? He has to overcome his character flaw, introverted self-absorption, to solve the mystery.

    I can see the plot being kicked off in several ways, a testament, I think, to the viability of the overall premise.

    Back to what has become Question #1 for me for every logline I read: ?what is the hook? ?The case to be solved or the character who solves it, who realizes the abductions and graffiti are related? ?For me, it’s the latter.?

    fwiw

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