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When a researcher creates a technology that can see anything from the last twenty four hours, a former FBI profiler must find him before the private assassins of a corrupt politician he exposed.
How about refocusing the plot so the scientist is the protagonist. ??1] He seems to be a more interesting character, certainly more inventive than the profiler. 2] He has more at stake. ?Like everything ?-- his life. ?By comparison, What's at stake for the profiler? ?What does he stand to gain or loRead more
How about refocusing the plot so the scientist is the protagonist. ??1] He seems to be a more interesting character, certainly more inventive than the profiler. 2] He has more at stake. ?Like everything ?– his life. ?By comparison, What’s at stake for the profiler? ?What does he stand to gain or lose by the outcome? ?What skin does he have in the game?
If you want to retain the profiler as the protagonist, then he needs to have serious skin in the game. ?It needs to be life or death stakes for him, too. (And what particular skill does being an unemployed profiler have that helps him to find the scientist?)
fwiw
Also, if the scientist can know everything that’s happened in the preceding 24 hours, then doesn’t he have the advantage of a certain amount of foreknowledge about the movements of the assassins? ?Knowing more the movements of the assassins than they can know about his movements, and knowing more about the assassins movements than even the profiler can, ?why can’t he just take appropriate evasive, life-saving action?
Finally, ?rather than kill the scientist, why wouldn’t the corrupt politician rather kidnap the inventor and his technology so he can use it for his own corrupt ends? ?Wouldn’t having an omniscient view of world events, albeit on a time delayed basis, ?enable him to defeat all comers, all threats.
See lessChad Tully, a college dropout turn travel agent living in Manhattan, receives news that his family’s property in the Outback of Australia is facing foreclosure. So, when Jerry Hampton, an ageing reality TV star comes in to plan a vacation, Chad books him into his family’s dilapidated property, passing it off as a five-star resort, hoping he will invest, saving the property.
Stripping out unnecessary words (like character names; no need for them, they just take up precious verbal real estate), the concept seems to be something like this:A travel agent cons a wealthy actor into staying at his parent's failing resort in the Outback, hoping he will invest in the resort savRead more
Stripping out unnecessary words (like character names; no need for them, they just take up precious verbal real estate), the concept seems to be something like this:
A travel agent cons a wealthy actor into staying at his parent’s failing resort in the Outback, hoping he will invest in the resort saving his parents from imminent bankruptcy.
Well, I think ?the Outback is a great location for a comedy. ? However, as written, the ?travel agent has no substantial stakes in the outcome, no skin in the game. ? It’s his parents’ who are?at risk, not himself (directly). ? I suggest the concept be reworked to give him more of a stake in the outcome, more than anyone else. ?He should be the one with the most to lose, financially, emotionally, status, self-worth — in every way possible.
Maybe he’s in financial straits himself because he’s mediocre travel agent who can’t compete against the Internet which ?has decimated the whole business of personalized travel booking (which it has). ? And then he ?inherits the resort. He desperately grasps it as his only lifeline, his last chance to make something out of his life. ?He doesn’t ?just want to ?make save resort for someone else’s sake (like his parents) ; he must save it in order to save himself.
fwiw
See lessDiscovering his memories have been manipulated, a security analyst must use clues hidden by himself to retrieve his real memories and expose his employer’s secret control over society.
For me the hook of the story is a protagonist who must use clues he squirreled away in order to recover the rest of his memories (similar to "Memento" only different). ?I find that interesting. ?So you've succeed in getting provisional attention.Now:What's so special about the sinister secret that iRead more
For me the hook of the story is a protagonist who must use clues he squirreled away in order to recover the rest of his memories (similar to “Memento” only different). ?I find that interesting. ?So you’ve succeed in getting provisional attention.
Now:
What’s so special about the sinister secret that it must be exposed? There must be a 1,001+ plots about someone hiding a sinister secret. ?What’s so special about this one? ?What makes it?so sinister that he’s must not only expose it but stop the consequences and/or implications — NOW — or else?
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