1. Posted: October 4, 2016In:

    When an emotionally detached woman returns home after a decade of uncontrollable jumps into parallel universes, she must reconnect with her estranged father to create a cure before vanishing once again.

    dpg Singularity

    Dkpough1, Re:>>> I don?t ever really see how a story has ?too much magic?The DC characters and their world are well known, ?pre-sold concepts thanks to decades of comic book series. ?So it isn't necessary to explain all the magic in those story worlds.The character and world of this loglineRead more

    Dkpough1, Re:

    >>> I don?t ever really see how a story has ?too much magic?

    The DC characters and their world are well known, ?pre-sold concepts thanks to decades of comic book series. ?So it isn’t necessary to explain all the magic in those story worlds.

    The character and world of this logline is neither familiar nor pre-sold.?

    By “magic” I mean a feature of the “reel” world of the story that contradicts, violates, or doesn’t exist by the rules of the real world. ?It’s a feature on which the “reel” story depends and it will require exposition for the story to make sense.

    The more “magic” there is, ?the more features in the “reel” world that depart from the real world, the more exposition (mostly in the 1st Act) the script may require ?so the audience will suspend disbelief and understand what is going on.?

    Exposition you can’t put in a logline. ?Loglines are a particular challenge and bane for writers of original scifi and fantasy scripts because there simply isn’t space in a logline to explain ?the “magic”. ? So, to the greatest degree possible, save the “magic” for the script.

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  2. Posted: October 4, 2016In:

    After a defenseless, young Arab prisoner is compelled to kill an informer for a Corsican mafia leader, he must connive to become a mafia leader himself to survive in a brutal, corrupt French prison.

    dpg Singularity

    The sequence of events in the inciting incident is that Corsican mob leader first orders him to kill the Arab informant and then "to motivate" him threatens to have him killed if he doesn't. ?Even so, the Arab rejects "the call" to misadventure, tries to get out of ?the hit job by every means withinRead more

    The sequence of events in the inciting incident is that Corsican mob leader first orders him to kill the Arab informant and then “to motivate” him threatens to have him killed if he doesn’t. ?Even so, the Arab rejects “the call” to misadventure, tries to get out of ?the hit job by every means within his limited power. ?And he can’t. ?The prison administration is corrupt, in league with the Corsicans, so they won’t help him by transferring him out or giving him protection. ?

    Yes, it’s important to ID him as an Arab because that’s a major and ongoing flashpoint and complication. ?There are 2 rival prison gangs, the Corsicans and Arabs, ?no love lost between them, and initially he is an outcast to the Arabs because he works for the Corsicans.

    How he becomes a gang leader is a long and convoluted process. ?Initially he only knows what he wants to become — not how to get there. ?He’s has to make it up as he goes along, improvise on a day by day basis.

    ?And, no, he doesn’t kill the Corsican mafia leader. ?Come to find out, he doesn’t have to in order to prevail.? The climax and denouement of his struggle is ?cleverly plotted. ?

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  3. Posted: October 5, 2016In:

    A single mother wakes up one morning having forgotten the past 16 years and the circumstances of her husband’s disappearance. While she tries to find him, a vengeful cop implicates her for a murder.

    dpg Singularity

    As Nir Shelter said, the logline is missing an inciting incident, the event in the 1st Act that triggers her search.Also, I'm confused by the effects of the amnesia. ?Because of it, she doesn't recognize her son, but she does remember she had a husband? ?To simplify, shorten and clarify, perhaps itRead more

    As Nir Shelter said, the logline is missing an inciting incident, the event in the 1st Act that triggers her search.

    Also, I’m confused by the effects of the amnesia. ?Because of it, she doesn’t recognize her son, but she does remember she had a husband? ?To simplify, shorten and clarify, perhaps it would be better to not mention the son in the logline as he doesn’t seem to contribute anything directly to the basic plot. ?And that’s all the logline is about, the basic elements of the plot.

    However, the logline is missing one element, ?a character who (I presume) is her antagonist. ?There?isn’t a murder investigation — that’s too general, abstract — there’s a detective conducting a murder investigation.

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