1. Posted: October 4, 2016In:

    When an emotionally detached woman returns home after a decade of uncontrollable jumps into parallel universes, she must reconnect with her estranged father to create a cure before vanishing once again.

    dpg Singularity

    My impressions, fwiwWhat is the hook?Parallel universes and selves (doppelgangers?)Who is the protagonist?A young womanWhat is her character strength or defining characteristic?Defining characteristic: she's rebellious.? No particular evidence of a character strength that qualifies her to become "ThRead more

    My impressions, fwiw

    What is the hook    ?
    Parallel universes and selves (doppelgangers?)
    Who is the protagonist?
    A young woman
    What is her character strength or defining characteristic?
    Defining characteristic: she’s rebellious.? No particular evidence of a character strength that qualifies her to become “The One” to save the universe.
    What is her character flaw?
    She’s rebellious.
    What is the inciting incident (II)?
    She wakes up in a parallel universe.
    What becomes her objective goal (OG)?
    She’s must stop a misguided man from resetting the universe.
    Is there a clear, strong cause-and-effect link between inciting incident (II) and objective goal (OG)?
    It’s not evident to me. The link seems more coincidental the causal. Unless waking up in a parallel world is intentional, part of her recruitment/induction.? If that is the case, who is responsible?? And why of all people has (s)he recruited a rebel?
    Is the objective goal (OG) forced or voluntary?
    Voluntary.? She’s “recruited”, not compelled. Although perhaps its involuntary in the sense of that she must answer “the call” or face anihillation when the universe is reset.? But, hey, she’s a rebel.? So WTF — maybe she doesn’t care.
    What are the stakes?
    Whatever the consequences are of “resetting the universe”.? Survival, I guess.
    What is the subjective need?
    (Not a required element in a logline but it is implied by the character flaw).

    Not sure what the psychological hook is into a subjective need. Unless she must overcome her inclination to rebel, learn to submit to (some) authority, cooperate with others to save the universe.? IOW:? she must answer the call inspite of her rebellious nature, her reflexive inclination to flip the finger. Well, that might work.
    Who is the antagonist?
    The misguided man.
    Is there a ticking clock?
    None stated.
    Is there a unifying theme?
    (Not a required element. But when reading a logline, I like to get a sense of one.)
    None that I can detect that ties the story together and explains all the story “magic”.
    My take away:
    A fundamental challenge of a sci fi story is that it requires a certain amount of disbelief to buy into the story “magic” that makes the premise and plot work. In this case, it requires suspension of disbelief in several “magical” tricks. A lot of suspension. Like:

    1] She wakes up in a parallel universe. How is that possible?
    2] The antagonist wants to reset the universe. Why? What’s his motive?
    3] By killing his alternate self.? Say what?? How is that possible?? What’s the causal link between killing his alternate self and resetting the universe?
    4] And if he can reset the universe by killing his alternate self, than does that mean others can, too? Like the rebellious young woman?

    I can suspend disbelief (temporarily) for a couple of the magic elements — but not all of them at once. ?It seems to me the premise and logline is overloaded with “magic”.?Consequently, the logline raises more questions in my mind than answers.?Others’ mileage may vary.
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  2. Posted: October 2, 2016In:

    When his revengeful ex-wife murders one of his neighbors, a dismissed errant detective must use his unorthodox methods to help the police force bring her to justice.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>I was wondering, how the volountary/forced OG affects the quality or viability of the logline? I feel that this is an important point.Good question, FFF.When the protagonist voluntarily commits to the objective goal , then the question arises in my mind ?as to the quality and viability oRead more

    >>>I was wondering, how the volountary/forced OG affects the quality or viability of the logline? I feel that this is an important point.

    Good question, FFF.

    When the protagonist voluntarily commits to the objective goal , then the question arises in my mind ?as to the quality and viability of the protagonist’s motivation. ?How does the inciting incident hook into the protagonist’s psychology such that it motivates him to break out of the comfy cage of the status quo, venture into the treacherous unknown, engage in risky behavior?

    Well, you can’t spell that all out in a logline, obviously, but it should be implicit, ?a factor a logline reader can intuitively grasp. ?When an action is voluntary then the protagonist has to have a good reason for doing it, right?

    In this logline, the detective’s decision to solve the case is not forced upon him. ? If he were still on the force, having the case assigned to him would be a straightforward, credible causal link between the inciting incident and the objective goal.

    But he’s been fired. ?So his action is voluntary. ?He has to opt in.

    And he does. ?Why? ?What is the psychological hook of the inciting incident that motivates him to opt in?

    Well, he ?is — or was — a detective. So ?how about he still has a habit for the hunt? ?His response is Pavlovian. ?Well, that could be a factor, but is that sufficient enough a motivation to kick off the plot?

    And she’s a neighbor. ?But how good a neighbor? ?Did they frequently chat, exchange holiday gifts, reciprocate with mutual acts of kindness and assistance? ?IOW: what were the bonds of friendship that would motivate him to solve the mystery case? ?How involved was he in her life that emotionally justifies his getting involved in her death? ?We don’t have a clue.

    But if they were lovers — ?well, now the psychological hook is obvious and strong. No elaboration is needed.

    Take away: the voluntary-involuntary question in my template cues me to consider the viability of the link between the inciting incident and the objective goal.

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  3. Posted: October 1, 2016In:

    When the memories of his deceased family are stolen by a corrupt government official, a former extractor must obtain material from a highly secure cloud service for human memory to have them restored.

    dpg Singularity

    Pretty good, Dkpough1I would amp up his motivation by making the inciting incident and motivation for revenge a matter of life and death. ?So:When a data smuggler is nearly murdered?by the corrupt government agency he works for, he uses stolen information to bring them down. (23 words)

    Pretty good, Dkpough1

    I would amp up his motivation by making the inciting incident and motivation for revenge a matter of life and death. ?So:

    When a data smuggler is nearly murdered?by the corrupt government agency he works for, he uses stolen information to bring them down.
    (23 words)

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