1. Posted: October 2, 2016In:

    Celebrity hairdresser was falsely accused for kidnapping a secret son of the mayor of New York and he has to deliver him to a real kidnappers to save the life of his mother because of her large gambling debt.

    dpg Singularity

    Here is how the logline breaks out with the template I use to evaluate loglines, particularly required elements. ?Fwiw and hope is helps.???????????????????????????????????????????Question:Answer:What is the hook?Since it's a comedy, I'm guessing it?s the situation.? It's a fish-out-of water story wRead more

    Here is how the logline breaks out with the template I use to evaluate loglines, particularly required elements. ?Fwiw and hope is helps.

    ???????????????????????????????????????????

    Question: Answer:
    What is the hook? Since it’s a comedy, I’m guessing it?s the situation.? It’s a fish-out-of water story where a hairdresser is thrust into a situation beyond his experience and expertise.
    Who is the protagonist? Hairdresser
    What is his character strength? He’s good enough at his job and self-promotion to have celebrity status.
    What is his character flaw or weakness? He’s a fish out of water.
    What is the inciting incident (II)? He’s falsely accused of kidnapping a child.
    What becomes his objective goal (OG)? He must deliver the secret son to the real kidnappers.? But this is a wrong goal.? The right goal is to save both.
    Is there a clear,strong cause and effect link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)? There appears to be missing causal links, more questions than information or clues that can be inferred from what’s stated.? Like: 1] If he’s falsely accused, that means he doesn’t have the secret son, right?? So how can he deliver the son to the real kidnappers?? How does he get custody of the kid?? 2] How does he even know about the son, if the son is supposed to be a secret? 3] Who makes him to deliver the son?? Why can’t the kidnappers do the job themselves?
    Is the OG forced or voluntary? Involuntary.? I presume they’ll kill him if he doesn’t do what he’s told.
    Why? What are the stakes? The lives of the son and the mother.
    Is there a ticking clock? No. ?But there ought to be to add urgency, enhance dramatic tension.
    Who is the antagonist? The kidnappers.
    What is the subjective need? (Not a required element in a logline but implied by the character flaw) Other than that he is a fish out of water, I don’t see one.? And maybe that is sufficient.
    My take away: The chain of cause-and-effect that connects the inciting incident to the objective goal has some missing links. And it seems to me, the “secret son” may be an outdated story gimmick given that out of wedlock scandals are no longer the political dynamite they used to be.? Least of all in a city with voters as cosmopolitan, worldly and cynical as the Big Apple.? Now, if the story is set in a time period when it was political dynamite, then the logline needs to indicate this.
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  2. Posted: October 2, 2016In:

    When his revengeful ex-wife murders one of his neighbors, a dismissed errant detective must use his unorthodox methods to help the police force bring her to justice.

    dpg Singularity

    Here's my take ?by parsing and analyzing your logline through my template for evaluating loglines. ?Fwiw and hope it is of value: Question: Answer: What is the hook? ?? Who is the protagonist? Detective What is his character strength? Unorthodox methods (Assuming that's what makes him a good detectiRead more

    Here’s my take ?by parsing and analyzing your logline through my template for evaluating loglines. ?Fwiw and hope it is of value:

    Question: Answer:
    What is the hook? ??
    Who is the protagonist? Detective
    What is his character strength? Unorthodox methods (Assuming that’s what makes him a good detective)
    What is his character flaw weakness? Errant, maybe. A liability in terms of being a team player, an asset in terms of solving a case?
    What is the inciting incident (II)? Murder of a neighbor.
    What becomes his objective goal (OG)? Bring his ex to justice.
    Is there a clear, strong cause and effect link between the II and the OG? Not in my mind. It seems to me there are missing causal links between the II and the OG. Or at least questions instead of statements, or obvious inferences.? Like:

    1] how does they know his ex is the prime suspect?

    2] And what’s so compelling about the case that he get involved,?must? solve it? ?Why doesn’t he leave it to the cops?
    Is the OG forced or voluntary? Voluntary.
    Why? What are the stakes? ??? Other than justice, there doesn’t seem to be anything personal.? Yes, it’s his ex- but there does not seem to be a strong personal conection between him and the victim.? She’s just a neighbor. Now if the victim was not just a neighbor, but his lover, then there would be a stronger personal stakes.
    What is the subjective need? ?? I?m guessing he needs to vindicate himself. It’s a chance to redeem himself from whatever got him dismissed.
    Who is the antagonist? Ex-wife
    What is the subjective need? (not required in a logline except as related to a character flaw) ?? I?m guessing he needs to vindicate himself. It’s a chance to redeem himself from whatever got him dismissed.
    My take away: Seems to lacks a strong hook in either plot or character to set it apart from the crowd of other murder mystery scripts. And it seems to me there are missing causal links between the inciting incident and the objective goal. (See above)
    The personal stakes for you the writer? Since this is version 2.0, a re-post, of the concept, it seems to be a meaningful story for you.? I’m guessing you’ve got an itch you’re just gotta scratch. ?But I don’t know what that itch is.? All I know is that somehow that itch needs to be transubstantiated into a compelling hook that attracts and holds the interest of others.? And I just don’t sense one, yet.
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  3. Posted: October 1, 2016In:

    When a teenager discovers she can walk into the graffiti worlds beyond the walls, she accidentally wakes the shadows that her Dad trapped years ago and she must now find a way to save a city and her Dad.

    dpg Singularity

    Thanks for clarifying that it's a logline for a series.When I chop up and sort this logline out into my template for composing and decomposing loglines, here is how it sorts out for me.?Question:Answer:What is the hook?Wall graffiti are facades/portals to an alternate world.Who is the protagonist?ARead more

    Thanks for clarifying that it’s a logline for a series.

    When I chop up and sort this logline out into my template for composing and decomposing loglines, here is how it sorts out for me.

    ?

    Question: Answer:
    What is the hook? Wall graffiti are facades/portals to an alternate world.
    Who is the protagonist? A teenage girl
    What is his character strength? None stated
    What is his character flaw weakness? None stated
    What is the inciting incident (II)? She discovers a portal into the alternate world.
    What becomes his objective goal (OG)? Save her dad.? But there are several missing causal links missing between her discovery in the inciting incident (II) and her objective goal.? Or links that raise more questions than answers, that only make it more difficult to understand the story. Like the link of the “the shadows”.? What are they, where did they come from?? How did her father trapped them?? And if her father trapped them — why does he now to be saved?? And save a city? A city in the real world or in the alternate world?

    This is confusing, complicated. A script reader can only understand the plot by suspending disbelief, buying into 2 piecies of “magic” — 1] alternate worlds behind graffiti, and 2] “Shadows”.
    Is the choice forced or voluntary? Seems voluntary.
    Why? What are the stakes? Her survival of her father and “a city”.
    What is the subjective need? None apparent that complicates achieving the objective goal.
    Who is the antagonist? The Shadows. But who/what they are, and how they pose a threat is unclear.
    What is the ticking clock? None apparent.
    My take away: Since it’s a concept for a series, refocus on the plot for the pilot episode: the discovery of the world behind the graffiti. ?That, it seems to me, is the story hook.

    And that is the purpose of a pilot: setup the story, plant the hook that will keep the audience coming back. The rest will be discovered/explained in future episodes.? Save that material for the story pitch, when producers will want to know what comes next, want to know if the premise has the “legs” for a series.

    Also I suggest fleshing the character a bit in the logline (see above, missing character strength and flaw). ?Because the character has to carry the heavy water in the series, provide the emotional hook to engage audience sympathy and maintain audience interest.

    Fwiw and hope it helps.

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