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Rework: When cops are killed in a series of murders, the investigator must catch the contract killer and his employer before they get to his family.
Change "get to his family" to something more menacing or final. He must also expose or divulge his employer. Something still sounds off about this log. Not sure what as of yet.
Change “get to his family” to something more menacing or final. He must also expose or divulge his employer.
Something still sounds off about this log. Not sure what as of yet.
See lessWhen his mysterious girlfriend rejects his marriage proposal, a bewildered man conducts a secret investigation to discover why.
Anthony, I'm not sure that mentioning "mysterious girlfriend" is enough or even appropriate here. For him to offer marriage, she must be somewhat un-mysterious, don't ya think? Tell me something interesting about this investigation, stakes, time frame he has, ext... May want to begin this with: "AftRead more
Anthony,
I’m not sure that mentioning “mysterious girlfriend” is enough or even appropriate here. For him to offer marriage, she must be somewhat un-mysterious, don’t ya think?
Tell me something interesting about this investigation, stakes, time frame he has, ext…
May want to begin this with: “After his marriage proposal is rejected, a bewildered man….”
Perhaps mention his internal struggle to overcome this rejection. Is the girlfriend a super model or something? Why is unwilling to give up on her after she gave up on him?
See lessA mentally unstable young couple from Appalachia reminisces about forging a bond of protection and an unorthodox family in the face of suicidal, homicidal, and familial strife in the slums of Los Angeles.
1yzzy75, Did you mean: ?"an an unorthodox" or "with an unorthodox" Why the reminisces? Is this story not happening in the present? If not, why can't it? For a thriller, this reads more like a criminal spree. I would like more of a hook to what they must overcome. Since they are recalling this, thenRead more
1yzzy75,
Did you mean: ?”an an unorthodox” or “with an unorthodox”
Why the reminisces? Is this story not happening in the present? If not, why can’t it?
For a thriller, this reads more like a criminal spree.
I would like more of a hook to what they must overcome. Since they are recalling this, then I can assume the couple “made it through” whatever they were up against.
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