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A rewrite: When a young Muslim emigrant woman finds love with a Norwegian man, her betrothed vows to stop them at all costs.
What bothers me about this still is how the woman and man don't seem to be the ones who must do something but rather the betrothed is the active one.
What bothers me about this still is how the woman and man don’t seem to be the ones who must do something but rather the betrothed is the active one.
See lessRework: As Galactic Police become victims in a series of murders, the frazzled Investigator must catch the contract killer and the secretive mastermind, to protect his own family.
"in order to protect" eliminates another comma stop/pause and helps flow.The murder of two police officers force a frazzled investigator to pursue a contract killer across the galaxy.Why I like this stripped version better is due to how much you have working for you here.It's really short for one. SRead more
“in order to protect” eliminates another comma stop/pause and helps flow.
The murder of two police officers force a frazzled investigator to pursue a contract killer across the galaxy.
Why I like this stripped version better is due to how much you have working for you here.
It’s really short for one. See dpg’s recent post about high concept logline lengths. This communicates danger, stakes (find a killer who has already killed) and settings.
It screams large. I don’t know, this is just something I would stop to see. I just feel like I know what this is about and what to expect, and that’s a good thing in getting your movie made.
See lessWhen a self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie falls for a devoted mother and city writer online, he must take responsibility for his own son, before winning her heart or losing his last chance for true love.
Good advice, Russ. You really have to do so much with a logline, well, you don't have to, but you may as well! "Hey, did you see the movie about the self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie?" "Yep, saw it last night. It was the best?self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie movie I've ever seen." CondescenRead more
Good advice, Russ.
You really have to do so much with a logline, well, you don’t have to, but you may as well!
“Hey, did you see the movie about the self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie?”
“Yep, saw it last night. It was the best?self-absorbed desert-trawling truckie movie I’ve ever seen.”
Condescending, I know. I guess we all try to jam as many words to describe our characters as possible. Less is more sometimes.
“It was the one in the desert, with the truck driver, you know… the love story.”
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