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After being kidnapped during a violent war, an innocent boy must find his way home.
Very vague logline. Most I read are excessively long. Yours needs more. What war? Give us something to help what time frame we are in and where in the world this war is taking place for starters. Why does a war need to kidnap people? To make them slaves or fight for a cause? He must first somehow esRead more
Very vague logline. Most I read are excessively long. Yours needs more.
What war? Give us something to help what time frame we are in and where in the world this war is taking place for starters. Why does a war need to kidnap people? To make them slaves or fight for a cause?
He must first somehow escape the kidnapping before he can “find his way home” and where is home that is unique to this story?
Tell us something about this boy. Need more about his worth, a reason to root for him.
See lessWhen several U.S. Army soldiers mysteriously die during training, a young soldier learns that his supervisor is responsible for the deaths and must learn how to prevent future deaths and deal with his supervisor?s retaliation before he becomes the next casualty.
This needs a rewrite. Break it down and analyze the flow. Don't mention that the young soldier learns who's responsible and give it away. Pit him against multiple issues... he must battle to find out, not learn. Now, why the hell is a military supervisor killing his own men? You need to fill that gaRead more
This needs a rewrite. Break it down and analyze the flow. Don’t mention that the young soldier learns who’s responsible and give it away. Pit him against multiple issues… he must battle to find out, not learn.
Now, why the hell is a military supervisor killing his own men? You need to fill that gaping hole somehow or not mention it at all.
“How to prevent future deaths?” Lose this part. He must defeat the antagonist. Period.
A supervisor is not a good description for an antagonist. It sounds petty and envious on the part of the protagonist.
Also, include some kind of ticking timebomb that this soldier must accomplish before the end of the story.
See lessThree indoctrinated codependent boys flee their orthodox commune determined to reach the launch of the final ship to leave the decaying earth.
Agree with dpg here, confusion exists about the mission to launch, how or why they get to go (are their intentions good or evil?). WHy are they fleeing "their" commune and to where?
Agree with dpg here, confusion exists about the mission to launch, how or why they get to go (are their intentions good or evil?). WHy are they fleeing “their” commune and to where?
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