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  1. Posted: September 12, 2018In: Thriller

    When a contract killer murders the wrong person, he must hire a body guard to protect himself from his own employer.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai
    Added an answer on September 15, 2018 at 5:45 am

    I agree with all of the above. The bodyguard steals the action and the hitman feels weak and passive. I am interested in the bodyguard, if the body guard proves to be a complimentary character in a buddy movie. For example, in case of a comedy: When a perfectionist hitman kills the wrong person, heRead more

    I agree with all of the above. The bodyguard steals the action and the hitman feels weak and passive.

    I am interested in the bodyguard, if the body guard proves to be a complimentary character in a buddy movie. For example, in case of a comedy:

    When a perfectionist hitman kills the wrong person, he must escape his mafia boss employer with the help of a haphazard bouncer.

    OK, it probably is totally different from your intentions, but it’s an example where the two characters compliment and contrast each other.

    Otherwise, as long as the hitman is the protagonist, the bodyguard is secondary and should not steal the show.

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  2. Posted: September 11, 2018In: Examples

    When an African-American photographer gets trapped by his white girlfriend?s family who intent to steel his body he must break free in order to stop the family?s body-snatching business.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai
    Added an answer on September 15, 2018 at 4:22 am

    Since Chris is not trapped for most of the movie -or at least he doesn't know that he is- I suggest you don't use the "trapping" part in the logline. The same applies to the "body snatching business," which is revealed after Chris wakes up bound on the armchair. This is at the 75% mark, as far as IRead more

    Since Chris is not trapped for most of the movie -or at least he doesn’t know that he is- I suggest you don’t use the “trapping” part in the logline.

    The same applies to the “body snatching business,” which is revealed after Chris wakes up bound on the armchair. This is at the 75% mark, as far as I remember. In Sixth Sense you wouldn’t put “Bruce Willis’s character is dead” in the logline, nor would you reveal the wife-substituting business in Stepford Wives. You would spoil too much. Thus, I suppose you wouldn’t want to reveal the body snatching business, in this one, either.

    This is why I find mystery thrillers tricky, when writing their loglines: you don’t want to reveal the Big Conspiracy, but neither do you want to resort to some generalisation like IMDb’s “where his simmering uneasiness about their reception of him eventually reaches a boiling point.”

    A good question is “What is the first major event of the movie?” I think it is the meeting with Andr?, when he bleeds from the nose and tells him to “get out.” Before that, things were weird, alright, but not conspiracy-level weird.

    How about:

    When an African-American photographer meets his white girlfriend?s family, he must uncover the conspiracy behind their overstated adoration of the black race and the unnaturally “white-like” behaviour of the few African-Americans present or face a fate worse than death.

    OK, a bit verbose and I, too, resort to a “fate worse than death” generalisation. What do you think?

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  3. Posted: October 26, 2016In: Thriller

    When the world?s deepest secrets start to become public knowledge, a disenfranchised former FBI profiler is thrust into an escalating situation where those with the most to lose will do anything to keep their secrets and humanity must face the ultimate test.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai
    Added an answer on October 26, 2016 at 6:18 pm

    I think the main problem is that you don't share much of what is going on, replacing actual events with vague expressions: what are the "world's deepest secrets?" Any particular conspiracy? Many of them? Why not pick one and state it? Also, an "escalating situation" is totally redundant; in every moRead more

    I think the main problem is that you don’t share much of what is going on, replacing actual events with vague expressions:

    • what are the “world’s deepest secrets?” Any particular conspiracy? Many of them? Why not pick one and state it?
    • Also, an “escalating situation” is totally redundant; in every movie we watch we expect some situation to escalate as the story progresses. Plus, it replaces the actual plot: what and where?is he thrust into? What is the story?
    • “Those with the most to lose;” same thing: who are these people? Why not be more specific?
    • “Keep their secrets;” same thing; same secretes with the “world’s deepest secrets?” You don’t have to keep so many secretes when writing the logline or we get nothing by reading it.
    • “Humanity must face the ultimate test;” same thing: what is going to happen? WWIII? Aliens? Zombie Apocalypse?

    If you don’t make it more specific, its title can?be “Every Political Conspiracy Thriller after DaVinci Code.”

    And one note on style: “disenfranchised” is redundant, since you state “former,” right?

    Cheers.

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