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When an elderly man sues a large bank for foreclosing on him due to a data error, he dies of a heart attack in court, and his daughter then brings a wrongful death suit against the same bank.
Thanks MichaelHag, thanks gawebster, I found both of your comments very helpful. Did some reworking and came up with this new version, albeit long... "After losing his home due to an error in reporting, an elderly man sues a large bank, but when he dies of a heart attack in court, his daughter discoRead more
Thanks MichaelHag, thanks gawebster,
I found both of your comments very helpful. Did some reworking and came up with this new version, albeit long…
“After losing his home due to an error in reporting, an elderly man sues a large bank, but when he dies of a heart attack in court, his daughter discovers he was threatened and responds with a wrongful death suit, encouraging a media frenzy and equally wronged parties to come forward…ending in the bank’s collapse.”
See lessAn accountant gets more then she bargins for when she crashes into a staged relationship with a charming actor looking to salvage his flagging career.
At this stage, I think your concept just needs some clarification before it can be improved. What does the "getting more than she bargains for" look like? I'm confused by the action "crashes into" - how does this happen? Assuming she's the one who ends up in the relationship unwittingly, how is theRead more
At this stage, I think your concept just needs some clarification before it can be improved. What does the “getting more than she bargains for” look like? I’m confused by the action “crashes into” – how does this happen? Assuming she’s the one who ends up in the relationship unwittingly, how is the relationship staged? That’s the part that I find fascinating. I think you need to ask yourself, “what fascinates me about this logline?,” and go from there.
Why an accountant? You might make a more powerful character choice. For example, if you make her a psychologist, then we immediately want to know, “how is this actor going to pull one over on a woman who’s trained to spot BS?” And it forces him to become a better actor to keep up the lie.
I realize that I may have completely misunderstood your intentions, but this is where my mind went.
See lessA guilt-ridden ex-detective investigates a missing person case tied to a child abduction he failed to solve years earlier, and which may be connected to a doomsday prophecy.
It feels like you tacked on "and which may be connected to a doomsday prophecy" in an effort to take your concept to an extreme and make it marketable, but the real issue is that you don't yet know what happens in Act II and III - or if you do, it's not showing up in your logline. You have an Act I:Read more
It feels like you tacked on “and which may be connected to a doomsday prophecy” in an effort to take your concept to an extreme and make it marketable, but the real issue is that you don’t yet know what happens in Act II and III – or if you do, it’s not showing up in your logline. You have an Act I: Detective emerges from retirement prompted by guilt over an unsolved case. But really all you have, for now, is “Detective emerges from retirement prompted by guilt over an unsolved case…and gets more than he bargained for.” You need to focus on the “and gets more than he bargained for” because right now we can only “see” the first act, and we need to see all three.
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