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A failed detective’s visitations from the apparition of his comically repugnant deaf mother inveigle him to confront his flaws. He must transform to understand her true demise or his family will implode.
Consider the following: What’s the connecting tissue of “failed” to his flawed arc? The use of “comically repugnant” doesn’t translate your premise as comedy to me. Are you shooting for an Andrew Dice Clay persona for the mom? Try a laymen’s term to quickly build this picture in the reader's mind -Read more
Consider the following:
What’s the connecting tissue of “failed” to his flawed arc?
The use of “comically repugnant” doesn’t translate your premise as comedy to me. Are you shooting for an Andrew Dice Clay persona for the mom? Try a laymen’s term to quickly build this picture in the reader’s mind – can a deaf person be “foul-mouthed”?
Keep his ghostly visitations a mystery concerning your reply.
A detective seeking to uncover his mother’s death is enough. The “imploding family” part only muddies the waters. If keeping, you’ll have to elaborate as she’s passed – how is this affecting their lives?
Hope you find this constructive, keep going!
See lessA law abiding father turns himself in after conspiring to help jewel thieves to pay for his son’s vital medical treatment.
Right, I read this and said “Ok, the end.” Where’s the intrigue to keep us going? OP: Maybe start with his kid getting sick, make him an asset to these jewelry thieves e.g., he’s the shop owner who uses the heist to collect insurance money, etc. I got a fever… and the only prescription… is more intrRead more
Right, I read this and said “Ok, the end.” Where’s the intrigue to keep us going?
OP: Maybe start with his kid getting sick, make him an asset to these jewelry thieves e.g., he’s the shop owner who uses the heist to collect insurance money, etc.
I got a fever… and the only prescription… is more intrigue 😉
BTW: Heist as the genre looks to be a better fit.
See lessAn American record producer helps a French pop singer who is a one hit wonder and faded into obscurity by helping her to come to America and gain success.
Consider the following: What’s the producer's arc? Looking for more than just a pack mule for this singer. Consider strengthening the America or Bust premise by finding a compelling reason why a French singer would risk whatever to seek fortune in American. Examples: “A once-famous OR down-and-out rRead more
Consider the following:
What’s the producer’s arc? Looking for more than just a pack mule for this singer.
Consider strengthening the America or Bust premise by finding a compelling reason why a French singer would risk whatever to seek fortune in American.
Examples:
“A once-famous OR down-and-out record producer [comeback GOAL]…” “… French one-hit-wonder …”.
Both parties can find inspiration in each other for their comeback/seek fortune goal.
This is your story, hope this helps, take care.
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