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  1. Posted: October 3, 2015In: Action

    In 16th century Japan, the African slave of a Jesuit priest rises to become a samurai in the service of its most powerful warlord, and faces the challenge of a corrupt general who is scheming to topple the warlord and rule in his place.

    Jaybird1091 Logliner
    Added an answer on October 3, 2015 at 8:03 am

    If you can simplify further, it'd be a big improvement. Made my head spin a bit. Something more like: "In ancient Japan, a priest's slave becomes a samurai, and fights to defend his warlord against a corrupt general."

    If you can simplify further, it’d be a big improvement. Made my head spin a bit. Something more like: “In ancient Japan, a priest’s slave becomes a samurai, and fights to defend his warlord against a corrupt general.”

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  2. Posted: October 30, 2013In: Public

    The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

    Jaybird1091 Logliner
    Added an answer on October 31, 2013 at 6:32 am

    OOOOOOOhhhhhhh ok, ok. I like that idea!!!!!!!! At the beginning of my script as it now stands, Jake tries to rally support from the people of his town to rescue Emma (his wife), but EVERYONE--even his own brother!!!!--deserts him, a la "High Noon." He's the only dude with the balls to even ENTER thRead more

    OOOOOOOhhhhhhh ok, ok.

    I like that idea!!!!!!!! At the beginning of my script as it now stands, Jake tries to rally support from the people of his town to rescue Emma (his wife), but EVERYONE–even his own brother!!!!–deserts him, a la “High Noon.” He’s the only dude with the balls to even ENTER the city.

    The scene where he and his brother split ways is (hopefully) brutal and powerful. But I think I can incorporate your idea and retain that emotion, like this:

    “The Arena” is largely considered to be a way to get rid of the unwanted members of society. No one in Jake’s class (the middle class) would dream of entering. BUT it’s an honor for the woman to be chosen as grand prize. Jake discovers the truth about the gods when he invents is own AI technology (reason: the holographic gods use motion-blur to trick the eye like an old-fashioned 2D image, but they’re only broadcasting at 24FPS. When Simon is installed in Jake’s brain, he can analyze the images Jake’s eyes capture, and since the human eye runs much faster than 24FPS, he determines the “gods” aren’t real).

    Once Jake discovers this, Roy–last year’s champion, the only other citizen who knows the truth–uses his influence to toss Emma into the game, thereby forcing Jake to play.

    Jake tries his best to persuade Emma not to leave him, but when he reveals what he knows, she doesn’t believe, and joins the game anyway.

    Now Jake not only has to overcome the game, but he has to do it IN SPITE of the woman he loves!

    It becomes a battle of the minds between Jake and Roy. Jake wins because he can calculate physics, but at the last minute, Roy turns Jake in to the authorities for cheating at the game (illegal use of Old Tech), and Jake is disqualified. Roy takes Emma, and we know already that Roy is a sick deviant who brutalizes and kills the women he sleeps with.

    Plus, Roy has his surgeons implant Jake’s device in his own neck, and removes Jake’s eyes so Jake can no longer calculate physics. Then Roy uploads the “gods” program into his brain.

    However, Jake has anticipated this all along. He uses Simon’s ability to calculate physics + the principle of echolocation to retain his “vision.” He has also uploaded a virus into the “gods” program, causing Roy’s death.

    The force field surrounding the city collapses, its automated systems die, Emma finally believes, Jake gets the girl, and he gets out of there.

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  3. Posted: October 30, 2013In: Public

    The last married man on Earth takes on all contenders to win back his kidnapped wife on a bloody, gladiatorial game show.

    Jaybird1091 Logliner
    Added an answer on October 31, 2013 at 5:46 am

    I REALLY want that complicated back-story to stay BACK of the STORY. This isn't a concept-driven tale; it's character-driven. It's not about gods and politics and cool sci-fi tech. It's about a man, his love for his wife, and the unbelievable lengths to which he will go to save her. Rather than "TheRead more

    I REALLY want that complicated back-story to stay BACK of the STORY. This isn’t a concept-driven tale; it’s character-driven. It’s not about gods and politics and cool sci-fi tech. It’s about a man, his love for his wife, and the unbelievable lengths to which he will go to save her. Rather than “The Hunger Games,” I’d compare this script to “Taken.” THAT’s the emotion I want to get across in this logline! 🙂 thank you all so much for your help!!!!!

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