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A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
I think that's certainly closer to what she would want. A friend of mine who is an obsessive reader of fantasy (and has read my 30-page synopsis), also didn't like it and suggested something more like this: "A mineworker with the ability to alter the outcome of a war between power-hungry factions, eRead more
I think that’s certainly closer to what she would want.
A friend of mine who is an obsessive reader of fantasy (and has read my 30-page synopsis), also didn’t like it and suggested something more like this:
“A mineworker with the ability to alter the outcome of a war between power-hungry factions, earns his apprenticeship under a sect of duplicitous wizards, but then must choose between the factions in order to gain the life he desires.”
Not great, and gives too much away (the MC does become the linchpin in the result of the war, but we don’t want to say that here, i don’t think), but I do like some of the more vivid language — “sect” instead of “group”, the reference to war (the title of the book is “War of the Unwanted”).
See lessA young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
Well, my editor doesn't like it: "First, I don't like "blessed" as it sounds religious. And at the start he barely has any powers and struggles to increase them. I think of a blessing as being something that comes easily and Tyrlak is fighting to learn to do magic. (Of course, he really has lots ofRead more
Well, my editor doesn’t like it: “First, I don’t like “blessed” as it sounds religious. And at the start he barely has any powers and struggles to increase them. I think of a blessing as being something that comes easily and Tyrlak is fighting to learn to do magic. (Of course, he really has lots of it, but is fighting to learn to control it, but that doesn’t translate to a blessing either.)”
See lessStruggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
Terrific -- you still have the subordinate clause to start, but, in this case it works as it puts the character closer to the things he is risking. It works!
Terrific — you still have the subordinate clause to start, but, in this case it works as it puts the character closer to the things he is risking. It works!
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