Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
Struggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
Let me clarify that last one: it would make sense if he risked everything because his is e.g. "obsessed with" those things, or "tormented by" those things, something along those lines. I don't know WHY he is risking all these things, but 'thanks to" doesn't really tie the two halves together logicalRead more
Let me clarify that last one: it would make sense if he risked everything because his is e.g. “obsessed with” those things, or “tormented by” those things, something along those lines. I don’t know WHY he is risking all these things, but ‘thanks to” doesn’t really tie the two halves together logically. I guess I am simply restating things.
See lessStruggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
Great, much tighter and quite punchy. The commas are all correct and don't bother me at all. The only thing that now jumps out at me is the "thanks to" -- feels like a logical flaw. He "risks" everything 'thanks to"... I'm sure there's another way of making that connection between the two halves. OtRead more
Great, much tighter and quite punchy. The commas are all correct and don’t bother me at all.
The only thing that now jumps out at me is the “thanks to” — feels like a logical flaw. He “risks” everything ‘thanks to”… I’m sure there’s another way of making that connection between the two halves. Otherwise, I think it’s terrific.
See lessIn another universe, a young girl stumbles upon a plot in the kidnapping of children by a religious organization called the Magisterium, who will stop at nothing to ensure the continuation of their doctrine and hold over the world they live in.
Sounds like a terrific tale, Justin! It's a little long, I think, for a tag line, and there are a couple of things that come out straight away. I don't think we need "In another universe" -- assuming that the book will be marketed as sci-fi or fantasy, that is pretty much a given. I don't think youRead more
Sounds like a terrific tale, Justin!
It’s a little long, I think, for a tag line, and there are a couple of things that come out straight away.
I don’t think we need “In another universe” — assuming that the book will be marketed as sci-fi or fantasy, that is pretty much a given.
I don’t think you need “called the Magisterium” — we’ll find that out when we start reading, right?
So, already it becomes tighter and clearer. Adding a couple of other changes I’d suggest:
A young girl stumbles upon a plot in the kidnapping of children by a religious organization, which will stop at nothing to ensure the continuation of their doctrine and hold over their world.
A couple of other thoughts: “stumble upon” tells us the character passively find out about this plot. I’d consider “a young girl discovers”, perhaps — it’s tighter in any case.
I also tightened “the world they live in” to “their world.”
Also, “stop at nothing” is a cliched phrase. Can you say the same thing with some different language?
Jeff
See less