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When an ambitious archeologist finds an ancient crystal engraved with a hidden message, he funds a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal, allowing him to release the Talisman Knights; the so called purveyors of ancient antiques; to release their grip on him.
Quite an intriguing premise so far, although the logline feels slightly long-winded and muddled in the second half. "He funds (finds) a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of Atlantis…" – This feels like a second inciting incident due to how the sentence isRead more
Quite an intriguing premise so far, although the logline feels slightly long-winded and muddled in the second half.
“He funds (finds) a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of Atlantis…” – This feels like a second inciting incident due to how the sentence is structured. Adding “he must” would increase the character’s urgency, making it feel like this action directly resulted from the inciting incident: “He must find a secret sea creature to unlock…”
“his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal…” I was confused with this section. Does your protagonist already have a connection to this crystal and civilisation? Or is he just now discovering the information when the creature reveals the message?
As your character is under the power of the Talisman Knights, what would happen if he failed to decode the message? What would the negative consequences be if he failed the mission? Life or death? Try to increase the stakes and end the logline with that.
: )
See lessA young man named Angel who is very skilled in combat and lives in a dangerous neighborhood decides to take matter into his own hands for the people he loves most with murder
A young man named Angel is not very descriptive, and a character's name should never be stated in the logline. Is he military? Homeless? Junkie? Police officer? Or a bank owner? Specify who he is; considering he is trained in combat, figure out a way to compile your first line into a couple of wordsRead more
A young man named Angel is not very descriptive, and a character’s name should never be stated in the logline. Is he military? Homeless? Junkie? Police officer? Or a bank owner? Specify who he is; considering he is trained in combat, figure out a way to compile your first line into a couple of words of character description. The event is also missing: why does he decide to take matters into his own hands, and why is his neighbourhood dangerous? Why does he have to murder people for his loved ones?
See lessIn 2257, war rages on the planet Aria, a new colony for humanity in distress. The Anunnaki, more numerous and advanced, inflict heavy human and material losses on this planet. At the frontline base, Unitypoint, Sergeant Kane Killian and the soldiers of Bravo Company are on the front lines of the fight against this extraterrestrial race. From the frontline to dangerous missions, these soldiers face the realities of war, dealing with racism, vengeance, respect, and friendships.
This seems more like a synopsis than a logline. It is too long and focuses on unnecessary details that should not be a part of a logline. The logline loses focus of our main character (central POV), which I assume is Sergeant Kane Killian. I believe the exposition of the world is not necessary; it iRead more
This seems more like a synopsis than a logline. It is too long and focuses on unnecessary details that should not be a part of a logline. The logline loses focus of our main character (central POV), which I assume is Sergeant Kane Killian. I believe the exposition of the world is not necessary; it is only the conflicting force that goes up against our protagonist and his troops that should be the main focus. (the Anunnaki). The sort-out resolution of the characters is not clear either; how will they solve the invasion? Do they want to stop the invasion? How will they do it?
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