1. Posted: April 4, 2015In:

    ?An unassuming young gentleman, still struggling to find his place in the world, must face off with the 19th Century?s greatest criminal Kingpin to rescue his childhood sweetheart from a life of sexual servitude and topple the criminal conspiracy which may lead all the way to the Royal Family?

    Joel Goodman

    Thanks guys. (I like callow, DPG!) Let me elucidate on my plot, as I'm not sure your suggestions (or mine) quite cover it. I'm reticent to use the name "Victoria" in the logline, as there is a bit of a twist in the plot which relies on this and I'd like to keep it in reserve. Basically, he starts ofRead more

    Thanks guys. (I like callow, DPG!) Let me elucidate on my plot, as I’m not sure your suggestions (or mine) quite cover it.
    I’m reticent to use the name “Victoria” in the logline, as there is a bit of a twist in the plot which relies on this and I’d like to keep it in reserve.

    Basically, he starts off very passively and apprehensive, and by the end of the second act, he has saved the girl, and although they now have the chance to personally escape and be done with the whole thing, they provide each other with the strength to make the choice to reenter the fray and enter the Third Act to bring down the criminal organisation, as their inaction would result in the suffering of many others like his sweetheart. So the protagonist has made the conscious choice to move from ‘observer’ in the beginning, to reluctantly active throughout the 2nd act, to consciously heroic in the 3rd.

    So should the logline be focussed on him ‘saving the girl’ when that almost becomes relegated to a secondary position halfway through the film?

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  2. Posted: April 2, 2015In:

    When a crate of unknown origin is taken and murder surrounds the mystery, down and out Private Investigator, Connor Collins, must figure out how to stop the ancient Egyptian magic causing havoc before all is lost.

    Joel Goodman

    Try swapping 'crate' for 'artefact of malevolent elemental power', swap 'taken' for 'stolen'; Remove the cerebral 'figure out', and just make it 'he must stop the ancient Egyptian sorcery from..." (I think it's better to have someone just DO something as opposed to 'thinking about', 'figuring out',Read more

    Try swapping ‘crate’ for ‘artefact of malevolent elemental power’, swap ‘taken’ for ‘stolen’;

    Remove the cerebral ‘figure out’, and just make it ‘he must stop the ancient Egyptian sorcery from…”
    (I think it’s better to have someone just DO something as opposed to ‘thinking about’, ‘figuring out’, ‘planning to’ etc.)

    Perhaps there is a stronger word than ‘havoc’. To me it suggests mischief and disorder as opposed to wanton destruction and physical threat. More ‘Night at the Museum’ than ‘The Mummy’.

    I also agree with Craig, about removing the murder from the logline and restructuring it.

    good luck!

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  3. Posted: April 4, 2015In:

    Me, Myself & Irene meets Death Defying Acts – "When two young illusionists with multiple personality disorder start dating, they must figure out ?who? will date ?whom’; so their love lives will not self-destruct."

    Joel Goodman

    and also... if the second character is a con-artist (as the twist), then they are not primary protagonist, and you should consider re-working your Logline to focus around the single primary protagonist. Just spitballing here but: "When a young illusionist, struggling with multiple-personality disordRead more

    and also… if the second character is a con-artist (as the twist), then they are not primary protagonist, and you should consider re-working your Logline to focus around the single primary protagonist. Just spitballing here but:
    “When a young illusionist, struggling with multiple-personality disorder, finds a romantic relationship with someone who seems to truly accept and understand him, he must convince his band of ‘internal passengers’ to play-ball, or risk ruining his one great chance at happiness”

    perhaps not perfect, but it focuses the logline around the primary protagonist, raises the stakes, and leaves the mystery open for the ‘great reveal’ later in the script.

    … just another 2c!

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