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After a former star witness is kidnapped by an escaped (or exonerated) killer she must find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
I don't think your alternative is improving the grammar, as the sentence structure now suggests that the killer ... must stop him. But hey, I'm only a philologist... :-P
I don’t think your alternative is improving the grammar, as the sentence structure now suggests that the killer … must stop him.
But hey, I’m only a philologist… 😛
See lessAfter a former star witness is kidnapped by an escaped (or exonerated) killer she must find a way to stop him as he hunts down the jury members who convicted him.
Hi 11Shareef, It sounds like a story that could have a lot of great cinematic suspense! In essence, this is a good logline. Here are a few thoughts: - although the story seems structurally fine, I'm missing the spark of something truly original - the hero ('star witness (f)') is kept very bland. PerRead more
Hi 11Shareef,
It sounds like a story that could have a lot of great cinematic suspense!
In essence, this is a good logline. Here are a few thoughts:
– although the story seems structurally fine, I’m missing the spark of something truly original
– the hero (‘star witness (f)’) is kept very bland. Perhaps she has a behavioural flaw she overcomes in the course of the story? I would like to get a better feel for the hero before I can get excited.
– remove brackets from the logline. No either/or. Pick one.
– add a comma after ‘killer’; this will make it read better.
I hope this helps!
See lessHating the world and basically everyone in it, the cynical college-student Charlie and her four somewhat peculiar classmates turn their classroom into a lair and start a business to, with varying results, alter what sucks about the world. (sit-com)
It's good that you qualify this as a sitcom, as there won't be any 'clear goal' for the series. I find it excruciatingly difficult to come up with loglines for sitcoms, even existing ones. Didn't Jerry Seinfeld say that SEINFELD is a show 'about nothing'? Even he resorted to a cop-out! This is not aRead more
It’s good that you qualify this as a sitcom, as there won’t be any ‘clear goal’ for the series.
I find it excruciatingly difficult to come up with loglines for sitcoms, even existing ones. Didn’t Jerry Seinfeld say that SEINFELD is a show ‘about nothing’? Even he resorted to a cop-out!
This is not a bad attempt, I must say.
Because you’ve said “hating the world…”, you may drop “cynical” as it covers pretty much the same flaw.
“Somewhat peculiar” is a good description for the blurb in your marketing but for development purposes it doesn’t really contribute much as in pretty much every sitcom the characters are supposed to be that…
“with varying results” suggests that the results are mostly unwanted but perhaps you can find a more strongly comedic way of putting it?
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