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A young couple find themselves stranded in the Great Karoo desert only to find refuge in the forgotten Victorian village that is haunted by more than just ghosts.
This is nice and ominous, and I like how you let us know that it's both a ghost story and more in just a few words. For me it sets up an immediate desire to know more, and that's no bad start. The writing itself could be tightened up, though - too many extraneous words that aren't adding any impact.Read more
This is nice and ominous, and I like how you let us know that it’s both a ghost story and more in just a few words. For me it sets up an immediate desire to know more, and that’s no bad start.
The writing itself could be tightened up, though – too many extraneous words that aren’t adding any impact. Would something like, “A young couple, stranded in the Great Karoo desert, find refuge in a forgotten Victorian village haunted by more than just ghosts” be punchier? Same logline, really, just shorter.
Although, with a setup like that it sounds like a horror or thriller, so is “find refuge” the right words? Maybe “seek refuge”, because “find” implies that there is refuge there and, though I’m sure there are plenty of things to find in a haunted town, refuge probably isn’t one of them.
See lessWhen a young, money-driven, surrogate mother finds out that both of the biological parents were killed in an accident, she is left to decide wether or not to keep the child.
I reckon the concept has legs; lots of room for character drama and Big Questions. My concern is: is there an outward journey to drive the action and ultimately catalyze the surrogate's decision while she ponders to keep or not to keep? If not the story's at risk of being all inward journey, which iRead more
I reckon the concept has legs; lots of room for character drama and Big Questions. My concern is: is there an outward journey to drive the action and ultimately catalyze the surrogate’s decision while she ponders to keep or not to keep? If not the story’s at risk of being all inward journey, which is hard to make work for a film, so I’d look at that and perhaps try to work it into the logline.
The logline itself could benefit from some tidying-up but it’s really only a matter of trimming and re-ordering: something like, “When the biological parents are killed in an accident, a young, money-driven surrogate mother is left to decide whether to keep the child.” Gets the point across quicker and I don’t think you lose any meaning there.
Certainly a concept worth pursuing.
See lessBased on the young adult CHERUB novels; Two young agents are sent to New Zealand to help bring a gang leader behind bars.
As I say, I think it'd be illuminating to include the reasoning behind sending such young kids into such a dangerous situation, and the way to do that is mention that their plan is to get close to the gang leader via his kids. Something like, "Two teenage spies are dispatched to New Zealand to befriRead more
As I say, I think it’d be illuminating to include the reasoning behind sending such young kids into such a dangerous situation, and the way to do that is mention that their plan is to get close to the gang leader via his kids. Something like, “Two teenage spies are dispatched to New Zealand to befriend a gang leader’s children and gather evidence against him.” Covers who the central characters are, what they’re doing, why they’re doing it and how they’re supposed to get it done. If you didn’t need it so short you could include something on CHERUB – “Two agents of CHERUB, Britain’s child intelligence service, are dispatched to New Zealand to take down a vicious gang leader by gaining the trust of his children.”
Also, is there a particular reason the British intelligence service is interested in this gang leader on the other side of the world? It might be worth including.
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