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A quirky, slightly neurotic writer must overcome years of social anxiety and isolation in order to win the heart of the man she loves.
I like the sound of this, but I agree with the other reviewers that it could do with being more specific. She sounds more than 'slightly' neurotic given your description. Can you make it more specific, and is there something she has to actively do to win the man's heart?
I like the sound of this, but I agree with the other reviewers that it could do with being more specific. She sounds more than ‘slightly’ neurotic given your description. Can you make it more specific, and is there something she has to actively do to win the man’s heart?
See lessPicked up by social services after years of living off the grid, a veteran suffering from PTSD and his teenage daughter struggle to integrate into society.
The story sounds intriguing, but at the moment the protagonist seems passive. You could move the protagonist to the start of the logline to make him sound more active, and the idea that he's 'picked up' is passive. I think you could include what his goal is specifically as 'struggle to integrate intRead more
The story sounds intriguing, but at the moment the protagonist seems passive. You could move the protagonist to the start of the logline to make him sound more active, and the idea that he’s ‘picked up’ is passive. I think you could include what his goal is specifically as ‘struggle to integrate into society’ is a bit too vague. What is the conflict? Can you make more of how the PTSD affects him achieving his goal?
See lessWhen an army soldier befriends the very Indians he is commissioned to fight, he discovers for the first time, who he truly is.
I agree that his need / goal should be objective (but possibly hinting at his subjective need), I don't think you need 'very' and I'd consider changing 'Indians' to 'American Indians' or similar - as there is some discussion around the correct modern term for the indigenous peoples of the US: https:Read more
I agree that his need / goal should be objective (but possibly hinting at his subjective need), I don’t think you need ‘very’ and I’d consider changing ‘Indians’ to ‘American Indians’ or similar – as there is some discussion around the correct modern term for the indigenous peoples of the US: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Native_Americans_in_the_United_States#Terminology_differences. Other than the fact that he’s supposed to fight them, I’m not sure what the soldier’s conflict is from the logline.
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