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When an earthquake infests an apartment complex with fast-breeding spiders, a young entomologist's plan to save the residents means forcing a war veteran survivalist from his home.
Rewording may make the pace better.? Suggestions? Is forcing one person from their home the main trust of the story or just one of the obstacles?? The main objective is to save the residents, which if the entomologist does not achieve this, his plan will not work. As such, it?s a pretty important obRead more
Rewording may make the pace better.? Suggestions?
Is forcing one person from their home the main trust of the story or just one of the obstacles?? The main objective is to save the residents, which if the entomologist does not achieve this, his plan will not work. As such, it?s a pretty important obstacle.
What makes forcing this person out so hard?? I think it?s pretty clear the entomologist can?t save the residents if one of them doesn?t want to leave.
Why do you call it out specifically??? If the resident doesn?t leave, the plan won?t work, ergo ?can?t save the residents?.
But as I said in the beginning, if you think rewording may make the pace better, then I am open to any and all suggestions?
See lessWhen an earthquake infests an apartment complex with fast-breeding spiders, a young entomologist's plan to save the residents means forcing a war veteran survivalist from his home.
Rewording may make the pace better.? Suggestions? Is forcing one person from their home the main trust of the story or just one of the obstacles?? The main objective is to save the residents, which if the entomologist does not achieve this, his plan will not work. As such, it?s a pretty important obRead more
Rewording may make the pace better.? Suggestions?
Is forcing one person from their home the main trust of the story or just one of the obstacles?? The main objective is to save the residents, which if the entomologist does not achieve this, his plan will not work. As such, it?s a pretty important obstacle.
What makes forcing this person out so hard?? I think it?s pretty clear the entomologist can?t save the residents if one of them doesn?t want to leave.
Why do you call it out specifically??? If the resident doesn?t leave, the plan won?t work, ergo ?can?t save the residents?.
But as I said in the beginning, if you think rewording may make the pace better, then I am open to any and all suggestions?
See lessIn a post apocalyptic world a teenage girl takes refuge in a hidden valley after loosing her parents trying to escape the pandemic and reach quarantine. Discovered by a man that could lead her to safety, he instead betrays her. He takes over her camp forcing her to fight not only a man that is bigger, stronger and armed, but also the approaching winter.
Jesus, leave some words for the dictionary, okay? "In a post apocalyptic world...", "a man that is bigger, stronger and armed", "after loosing her parents" - All unnecessary. Which leaves... "a teenage girl takes refuge in a hidden valley trying to escape the pandemic and reach quarantine. discovereRead more
Jesus, leave some words for the dictionary, okay?
“In a post apocalyptic world…”, “a man that is bigger, stronger and armed”, “after loosing her parents” – All unnecessary.
Which leaves…
“a teenage girl takes refuge in a hidden valley trying to escape the pandemic and reach quarantine. discovered by a man that could lead her to safety, he instead betrays her. he takes over her camp forcing her to fight … also the approaching winter”
Even then, I think there’s a lot of cutting that can be done here to get to the crux of your story.
Why does she care if he takes over her camp? Isn’t she trying to reach quarantine?
And perhaps instead of “trying to escape”, maybe she’s “wanting to escape” – “trying” is too ambiguous, “wanting” makes it more of a personal journey with the implication of a reward should she succeed in her goal.
I hope I have helped in some way…
See less