I really like the sound of this and I think it’s a solid logline.

I’m not sure it’s essential to state that it’s in Maine and it’s the Canadian lobster mafia, however I understand that you’ve probably mentioned that to introduce conflicts between two countries perhaps?

Do they have to be lovers? To me, it makes no difference either way – the story is the same. I would maybe start with one protagonist who must find a way to unite his gang with a rival gang without this prior relationship. The love can blossom between these two characters but I think there is further to go and more of a story without it. Going from despising the rivals, to working together, to the lovely B-story romance works great.

Got a title? Something like Pot Shots, or Gone To Pot perhaps?

Good luck.

Welcome to logline.it and congrats on writing your first logline. The first thing to know is that writing a logline is hard but everyone here is here to help (even if it seems that the feedback is overly negative). Some of the comments you will receive will be about the logline, some will be about the story. The logline is a summary of the story after all.

So… on to the logline.

Your logline has all the components required, an inciting incident, a protagonist (or two), a goal and the stakes. However, there are a lot of questions and issues with the story that this logline conveys.

Inciting incident – Where did this demonic book come from? A couple wouldn’t knowingly bring a demonic book into their home so maybe consider unpacking this slightly so we understand it was either accidental or the book has the ability to mind control or move itself. I would argue the inciting incident isn’t the moment the book arrives at the house, but the moment they realise the book’s intention for evil. Up until that point the book is simply a book. As in Evil Dead, it’s the contents of the book that pose that the threat. So tell us, specifically, what the book does.

Typo – college couple’s home. While picking up on errors may seem petty, sometimes they can change the meaning or be read different ways so it’s worth double checking.

Protagonist – As a general rule, it’s better to focus on a single protagonist. Doesn’t have to be at all but usually, even in ensemble films, one character is considered the lead – Danny Ocean in Ocean’s 11, Gordy in Stand By Me, Mikey in The Goonies, etc. This also allows you to tell us who this character is. How would you define the character in 2 or 3 words? This often includes a characteristic that goes some way to suggesting the character’s arc through the film. Or perhaps it’s simply their defining trait and how they will deal with the obstacles thrown in their way. Ultimately, I would say pick one of the couple and tell the reader who they are.

Typo – “there” should be “their”

Goal – “find the source of their internal struggles” – the BIG problem with this is that they are internal. To find an internal issue with oneself, you must look within. So that leads us to a film where the character sits and looks within for the duration. Film is a visual medium so think visually! What will it look like on screen? Most films have an external goal and through the course of seeking this, internally they change and grow too. I would consider thinking of something that they need to do in order to beat the book and stay alive that can be visually interesting on screen.

‘Internal struggle’ is incredibly vague too. Ambiguity is where loglines go to die. You want to be as specific as you can so the version of the film the reader sees in their head is as close to what’s in yours as possible.

Stakes – I think we need to understand this book a little more in order to understand why it’s claiming people’s lives. As I mentioned previously, it’s the contents of the book that are usually the dangerous things, not the book itself. So tell us what this book is or what it wants.

I think if you address the issues and provide us with a hook, something unique and sets this story apart from others like it, it will make for a stronger logline.

Random questions. Is the script already written?

Don’t get disheartened by any feedback you receive. I’m sure we all remember posting our first logline and it takes a bit of time to get used to the process. Once you become more familiar with it all though, you’ll start to see how incredibly beneficial the skills of writing a good logline are. Not just in logline creation, but writing in general. It forces you to think really carefully about every single word you write. It’s important to read the feedback and keep trying to apply it with each new draft. Oh… and I don’t think any of us are experts, we’re all just aspiring writers, so you’re allowed to disagree or ignore the comments you receive. Ultimately, write the story you want to write. It’s yours after all.

Hope this all helps.