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When he finds a cowardly family-man accidentally locked in their 9-way assassin?s battle royale to win a contract paying enough to retire with, a moral veteran must keep him alive whilst eliminating the competition.
I've updated this logline based on the suggestions. Further comments welcomed.
I’ve updated this logline based on the suggestions. Further comments welcomed.
See lessWhen an ambitious young basketball player decides to boost his exposure, by accepting an invitation to host a hip hop music award show. He risks his million dollar career, when inadvertently exposing the winner for best performer as a plagiarist.
This seems like just the inciting incident. What happens next? What happens after he exposes the winner? That's where the story is. What's his goal after he's done that? Why does exposing the winner as a plagiarist risk his career? Surely it's the musician's career that's now at risk?
This seems like just the inciting incident. What happens next? What happens after he exposes the winner? That’s where the story is. What’s his goal after he’s done that? Why does exposing the winner as a plagiarist risk his career? Surely it’s the musician’s career that’s now at risk?
See less(Revision #3) It’s 1963. A naive teenager and her older sister, sibling rivals who argue over everything, go to an all-night party that sets them on the path to a singing career. They secure a recording contract, but soon discover that the rock’n roll lifestyle is a roller coaster lifestyle of extreme highs and tragic lows.
What, specifically, happens at this party? I've been to lots of parties and it's never once launched my singing career. The party itself is somewhat irrelevant. What is the protagonist's goal? Once she's got this recording contract, what's she trying to achieve? Just saying "rival older sister" or sRead more
What, specifically, happens at this party? I’ve been to lots of parties and it’s never once launched my singing career. The party itself is somewhat irrelevant.
What is the protagonist’s goal? Once she’s got this recording contract, what’s she trying to achieve? Just saying “rival older sister” or similar is probably enough. Rivals fight over everything.
Isn’t every life a rollercoaster of extreme highs and tragic lows?
I think it needs to be shorter, there needs to be a clear goal, and give us some stakes. If it feels like the protagonist has already got what she wanted, we have to understand what does she stand to lose.
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