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A grieving student staying alone on a university campus over the Christmas holidays becomes involved in a brutal fight for his life, after accidentally tuning into a nearby heist using a handheld police scanner.
A logline is supposed to tell us what is going to happen in the story. It is not a tagline, designed to encourage people to see the film, it's supposed to give readers a comprehensive understanding of what the plot is - inciting incident, protagonist, goal, stakes. As Richiev has pointed out, thereRead more
A logline is supposed to tell us what is going to happen in the story. It is not a tagline, designed to encourage people to see the film, it’s supposed to give readers a comprehensive understanding of what the plot is – inciting incident, protagonist, goal, stakes.
As Richiev has pointed out, there is a big gap in your logline. The reader needs to understand what happens that leads to him getting directly involved because that’s actually the inciting incident. Hearing it over the scanner doesn’t mean anything until he does something that means he is now caught up in it.
The protagonist has accidentally tuned in using a police scanner…. so surely the police are aware of this too? Why are the criminals broadcasting their heist… especially over a frequency that is used by police scanners? Doesn’t make any sense to me. There is simply no reason why this student should have to get involved. Loads of people listen to police scanners too. The thing that connects all these dots is the one thing missing – as Richiev has said.
If a reader doesn’t get everything they need from a logline, they will never get to the synopsis.
Why is the fact that he’s grieving relevant? Or the fact that he’s staying alone? Or the fact that it’s Christmas? Or the fact that he’s a student? ?All of the components should have some relevance to the story you’re trying to tell. That’s not to say that they don’t – however I’m simply not getting enough information from this logline to understand what that is currently.
My advice is read the “Our formula” page and understand more about the purpose of a logline then give this another go. Regardless of whether this is a good logline though I think there are story issues that might need addressing first – however I’m only basing that on the information provided in this logline.
Hope this helps.
See lessA General in the Olympian Order exacts his vengeance against the corrupt goddess queen of Olympus who killed his family and enslaved him to ten fatal labors.
As Richiev has suggested, maybe reverse the order so it works chronologically as the film would. Check out the "Our formula" page for help with formatting. You've also kinda told us the end. He "exacts his vengeance" - he was successful. A logline shouldn't tell us the end of the story. This isn't rRead more
As Richiev has suggested, maybe reverse the order so it works chronologically as the film would. Check out the “Our formula” page for help with formatting.
You’ve also kinda told us the end. He “exacts his vengeance” – he was successful. A logline shouldn’t tell us the end of the story.
This isn’t really a War film (at least as this current logline stands). War is a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country. This story is one person exacting revenge on another. I’d say it was more “Action, Adventure, Drama”?as per a film like Gladiator (which has a similar premise).
There’s definitely a story in here but I feel like it’s missing something. The 10 fatal labours sounds interesting so I want to know more about that. I want to know why this general’s family was killed – maybe give us a characteristic that suggests why this goddess is targeting this general.
Hope this helps.
See lessA shy guy tries to seduce a snobby girl during an awkward pre-arranged mating session between their chihuahua dogs. COMEDY SHORT
If you can, try and keep revised versions of the same logline within the existing post. It's really useful for everyone to see the progression and evolution of the logline based on the comments made. I really like this idea. Visually, it's great! I only have 2 comments. I would maybe try and followRead more
If you can, try and keep revised versions of the same logline within the existing post. It’s really useful for everyone to see the progression and evolution of the logline based on the comments made.
I really like this idea. Visually, it’s great!
I only have 2 comments.
Hope this helps.
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