Mike Pedley – Reviews – Page 142

Posted: March 18, 2019In: Historical

A young girl, orphaned by cholera struggles, to stay out of the hands of the man who abused her. She dons boy?s clothes to flee West in search of a new family.

Added an answer on March 18, 2019 at 7:14 pm

I like the sound of this but I'm not sure we need to know that she's been orphaned by cholera. It has no bearing on the story - calling her an orphan is all you need. ?Why does she need to don boy's clothes? If she's fleeing anyway, why the disguise? If she's being pursued by this guy it would makeRead more

I like the sound of this but I’m not sure we need to know that she’s been orphaned by cholera. It has no bearing on the story – calling her an orphan is all you need. ?Why does she need to don boy’s clothes? If she’s fleeing anyway, why the disguise? If she’s being pursued by this guy it would make more sense but we need to get that connection.

As variable pointed out, the goal and the inciting incident do not quite match up. Maybe change the inciting incident to her struggling to escape her abusive family – seeking a new family is then an acceptable goal. It’s then more understandable why the family would pursue her and the disguise would be more appropriate.

Hope this helps.

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Posted: March 18, 2019In: Drama

When he falls in love with an alcoholic cop in rehab, a drug addicted mobster must keep his new love from discovering his mafia heritage in order to run away with her and escape his toxic family.

Mike Pedley Singularity

Added an answer on March 18, 2019 at 7:09 pm

I agree with Richiev, this is definitely heading in the right direction. I'm seeing it as more of a rom-com though. The only thing I think might need work is the goal - currently there's kinda 2. Keeping his mafia heritage from his new love AND escaping his toxic family. If the inciting incident isRead more

I agree with Richiev, this is definitely heading in the right direction. I’m seeing it as more of a rom-com though.

The only thing I think might need work is the goal – currently there’s kinda 2. Keeping his mafia heritage from his new love AND escaping his toxic family. If the inciting incident is falling in love then the goal needs to relate to that so consider just sticking with the “hiding heritage” approach. There’s nothing else in the logline to suggest he wants out of his lifestyle so this bit comes as a surprise to me.

Also, there’s no way she’s going to run away with him unless she’s in love with him too. I think it’d be really interesting to have them both hiding their professions from each other – they just fall in love in rehab (the key is that they fall in love with each other – not just him falling in love with her). If the audience is aware of both of their backgrounds (maybe not immediately – midpoint reveal?) you could have a lot of fun with them.

Interested to see where this goes.

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