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A woman who has just escaped from her abusive husband and moved to an old apartment must defend her autistic child from an evil entity which he accidentally released after befriending the neighbor, a mysterious old man who claims to be a renowned magician.
There is a strong hint of The Babadook in this.Why is it important for us to know that she's just come out of an abusive marriage? A mother's instinct to protect her child will be there regardless. Why is the child autistic? Personally, I don't feel like the story would change all that much if it waRead more
There is a strong hint of The Babadook in this.
Why is it important for us to know that she’s just come out of an abusive marriage? A mother’s instinct to protect her child will be there regardless. Why is the child autistic? Personally, I don’t feel like the story would change all that much if it was simply “When her mysterious neighbour releases an evil spirit into her new apartment, a overprotective introvert must discover the entity’s weakness in order to defeat it and protect her child”.?
The other problem is that, surely, the real antagonist is the magician next door, not the entity that’s released. Even once the entity has been destroyed, he’s still being creepy and mysterious next door? In your head, he might not be the antagonist but he’s a loose end for sure. I want to know what his involvement is through the rest of the story.
See lessAfter an OCD-afflicted introvert finally gets a chance at true love with an inspiring woman who sees past her condition, jealousy over a casual friendship forces her to face the latent insecurities that threaten her chances.
What does "face the latent insecurities that threaten her chances" look like on screen? Film is a visual medium and it's really important to consider what people will be watching on screen. Consider a goal that represents her facing her latent insecurities - for example a shy introvert could have aRead more
What does “face the latent insecurities that threaten her chances” look like on screen? Film is a visual medium and it’s really important to consider what people will be watching on screen. Consider a goal that represents her facing her latent insecurities – for example a shy introvert could have a goal of presenting her idea in front of 2000 people.
The OCD affliction actually becomes somewhat irrelevant towards the end. Jealousy over a casual friendship could be an issue in any relationship so, while the OCD makes her a more interesting character, it doesn’t actually make a lot of difference to the story. In my mind, there isn’t really anything about this story that is any different from anyone else finding a potential lover – it’s always fraught with anxieties and doubts – so why is the audience going to want to watch these two? I think the issue that threatens the relationship needs to be related to the OCD.
Hope this helps.
See less3RD DRAFT…..The idyllic life of an adolescent surfer drastically changes when his family moves to pre-revolution Tehran, an American melting pot submerged in an alien culture where certain realities are but an illusion.
There is so little difference between this version and the 2nd draft that I'm just going to repost the same comments (apologies for being blunt - I think there could be something in this idea but there is no story in either draft - YET). This isn't really a logline. It's simply a setup. Check out thRead more
There is so little difference between this version and the 2nd draft that I’m just going to repost the same comments (apologies for being blunt – I think there could be something in this idea but there is no story in either draft – YET).
This isn’t really a logline. It’s simply a setup. Check out the “Our formula” tab for help with formatting.
In future, if you could also just post one version of a logline and allow feedback and then keep revisions within that initial post that would be great. It allows users to follow the evolution of an logline.
Why does it matter that he’s a surfer? What is this character’s goal? It needs to be tied to the inciting incident (in this case, moving to Tehran). What is actually happening to this character? Where is the conflict?
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